Throwing away the guilt

Being a martyr is really tiring.

I mean, I am trying my darnedest to bitch and moan, cry and kvetch about everything related to waiting to trying to conceive. But really, the shtick is getting a little old. And, I imagine, a little tiring to read again and again.

Now, I am certain I will have my moments of poopy sandwichness but being negative isn’t going to help me any toward the ultimate goal, so I might as well be positive right? You don’t have to answer that as I am hoping it is a rhetorical question I can answer myself…

Yesterday, after I read my tarot cards, I decided to write on paper all the things I feel guilty about in my past. The things I regret, wish I did differently, the fact I’ve yet to become a parent and the people I hurt through words or actions. And in a bit of not-so-symbolic act, I ripped up the paper and threw it away. I threw away my guilt.

Okay, so it may not be the end-all, good riddance moment of guilt chucking, but at least it’s a start for me. I really am not the crazy biatch I make myself out to be. I am just a slightly obsessed mama wannabe. 

As I tore the paper, I started getting goosebumps as I felt myself slowly throwing away the scraps of my guilt. It is a feeling I need to remember. The baby making situation we are in is nothing I can change.  But I don’t have to be a miserable person because of it.

And I apologize for getting all The Secret on you. I just really need to add a little hope and positivity to my life.

As for that tarot reading, I opted to do a one-card state-of-Jen reading. Trust me, I am not a super fancy psychic, I am just armed with the tarot made easy book I bought in college after my roomie and I spent hours sitting in the astrology and such aisle at Barne.s & Nob.le.

And what did this life-altering knight of cups say?

My physical body’s problems will be kept under control or cured, which I took for a clear pap and a clear path toward IVF.

But it was my special guidance that struck me. It may seem silly but something in me was ready to hear what the card was saying…

You will be advancing toward your goals. Expect positive changes because things are looking up. Asking “why this and not that” stems from lack of faith. Pretend that you have faith and faith will be given.

Here’s to a little faith. For us all.

The fear of disappointment

Ninety-nine percent of our friends in Texas know the path we are attempting to take in baby making.

And it is freaking me out.

Right now, I wish no one knew what we were planning as then I wouldn’t have anyone to disappoint. We were posed various questions during our trip from innocuous to super specific. I tried to keep it light, to talk positively about our future as parents.

Yet I don’t feel light. I don’t feel positive. I feel like we have a million miles to go before we can even get to the maybe baby phase.

I am so scared that this elusive dream of having a baby is just beyond the tip of my fingers. I reach out and can just brush the hope of parenthood but it slips past my grip, something else popping up and keeping us from holding on to what we want so dearly.

And I blame myself. Every problem that has popped up has been my health, my whatever. I want to cry, to hide. I just don’t want to be the one who is messed up and keep my wonderful hubby from being a father. I don’t want to disappoint all those friends and all that family, who are so enthusiastic about the prospect of us being parents.

As for disappointing myself, it is wrapped in to my fear of disappointing others. I think I can live with myself not being pleased as punch with myself but others? I know I seek approval and balance – it’s the curse of being a Libra.

It is ok to make mistakes, to fail. But with parenthood I just can’t.

Am I freaking out because my dear Aunt Flo is making a sporadic appearance four days early? A couple we are friends with announced they were pregnant when we didn’t know they even were trying? That I’m convinced I have some fatal disease that will prevent me from having a healthy baby?

I don’t know.

I just feel like crawling into bed and comforting myself with the dream scenarios I create before I fall asleep – scenarios that always comprise us winning enough money to pay for IVF since it is all out-of-pocket expenses for us and me being pregnant with a healthy child.

Granted, more often the dreams end up with crazy plotlines of me jumping out of a plane with Lee Majors guiding me on how to roll once I hit the ground…

I just wish it wasn’t so hard. I wish I wasn’t so scared.

I just wish for a baby, for happiness.

I’m Back…

I’m back and I will try to catch up this week but not tonight. It was a crazy hellish trip to the airport. We got stuck on 635 for 2 1/2 hours. Needless to say, we missed our flight, we were late turning in our rental car and utterly frustrated.

I will try to write more tomorrow if I am not swamped. Missed you all!

Texas Two Step…

This morning we’re hopping on a flight for our annual trek to Texas. Mind you, this is the first time in more than nine years of annual trips we’ve flown. Typically, we endure the hellish 13 1/2-hour drive each way, where we delight in the smells of cattle in New Mexico, slowing down to 20 miles an hour through little towns through the panhandle and enjoying Sonic and/or Dairy Queen stops throughout…

Anyhoo, I am not sure how much blogging I will actually do while there. I’ve got to get my fill on good Mexican food, catching up with old friends and coworkers and, of course, Scarborough Faire as my husband’s friends are a bunch of ren junkies. I myself refrain from dressing up but to each their own.

So I wish everyone a great Memorial Day weekend! I will blog, read, write, etc., soon!

My Shower How To

Rule No. 1 in Jen’s guide to the how to host a fabulous baby shower when you yourself aren’t pregnant but desperately want to be – self medicate with a mix of Dayquil and fruity wine coolers.

I wasn’t planning on going the self-medication route yesterday. It wasn’t the fact that I would be sharing our patio with 15 other women three of whom are due to give birth by July 11.

Rather, it was my runny, nose, 101-degree fever, chills, sneezing, etc., this weekend that prompted my consumption of several adult beverages while on a six-hour regimen of Dayquil.

And it worked.

I didn’t once feel pity for myself. I didn’t worry if someone was going to ask our baby plans.

Instead, all I felt was joy for my best friend. I forgot, even if it was only three hours, about my single-minded, me-getting-knocked-up focus and just shared in the happiness the shower brought about.

I oohed and ahhed from a distance (so as not to get anyone sick) at all the cute girly outfits, hats, blankets she received. I acted as party photographer. I really did have a good time.

Maybe I’m not as evil as person as I thought I was.

Or maybe, I am just really learning to accept that life isn’t fair and what I want doesn’t always happen for me when I want it to. That doesn’t mean I am going to start my own The Secret cult or anything, just that I can act like the supposed adult I am from time to time.

Or again, maybe it was my Dayquil cocktail.

So below are some photos from the event. Sorry, I am not any deeper right now, the switch the Benadryl has me a bit foggy still…

Our centerpieces – Ducky vases filled with peonies along with the favors, mini terra cotta pots filled with M&Ms topped with tissue paper dahlias…

A horrible picture of the cupcakes with either pink sprinkles or babies with mohawks on them.

I got lots of compliments on the little naked mohawk babies sprinkled on the counter top in the bathroom…

I also had a beautiful peony arrangement in the bathroom provided by my sister, the florist.
To round out the ducky theme, these adorable ducky cookies.

*And just so you know, I purchased all the food Friday for the party but due to me being sick, I had my little sister bake all the cupcakes and prepare all the food. My husband then cleaned the house for me while I sat around in a drug-induced haze blowing my nose. Without them, I know I couldn’t have done this.