It Will All Work Out

I know my friends mean well.

They are trying to support me best they can, saying it will all work out.

And I want to believe them. But I can’t seem to get my head around how we are going to pay for IVF.

My insurance only covers up to $2,000 to find the cause of infertility. Nothing more. I am on my husband’s insurance as well, but the secondary insurance is nothing I’m banking on because, frankly, I don’t want to get my hopes dashed. And I have to pay first, file claims and then wait for who knows how long…

So here I am. Today was our how-to-be-a-intravenous-drug-user-lesson. I should have been excited that in a month they tentatively will be retrieving eggs, transferring embryos and we could soon thereafter be pregnant.

But no. I am freaking the fuck out about money.

Of course, we’re opting for shared risk to hedge our bet. And, of course, that costs a lot more.

Last night, all I did was cry myself to sleep with worry. How are we going to afford another like $700 in debt paying off a month, then what if we have babies? What then? I have visions of living in our car, one of the many causers of said debt, digging through garbage bins just to feed ourselves.

And then my hubby gets angry/defensive/upset about me crying about bills – you know that fairly poop sandwich response men seem to have when confronted with a crying woman – that he’s the one to blame because he has the genetic disease, he’s the reason we’re doing this. Yes, he is the reason but he never asked for OI. He didn’t ask to be born with an abnormality with his collagen production. He didn’t ask for that full body cast at 18 months of age.

He can’t be blamed for this avenue we are taking, we chose this route together. There is no blame. We’re a team, in this together. But I don’t know if he really truly believes that. And it hurts me to no end thinking how shitty he feels about himself.

It doesn’t help either that I can’t ask either of my parents for money. My father has now proceeded to lose his house to foreclosure while my mother blew through her divorce settlement with my stepdad in six months.

My dad tries to borrow money from me. My mom borrows money from her parents.

Awesome.

This morning, I lost it when my boss told me not to worry about my doctor’s appointment. I just started crying. And we then proceeded to talk about money. If there were people I could ask about helping us, or if I could use our HELOC.

He didn’t have any new ideas for me but just reinforced the fact that I need to ask my grandparents and my in-laws for financial help. I wish I didn’t have to. So much for being an independent grown up.

But it will all work out, right?

The Alarm Clock

Life has been crazy with the Wannabes… I am sure at some point I will take time to breathe but the last week has been a whirlwind of activity and I haven’t even caught my breath yet. Or have had time to catch you up. I am still sorting out all my feelings myself.

Wednesday of last week was by far the hardest, when I came home to find our dog had died while sleeping. I didn’t go to work on Thursday or Friday as I couldn’t really talk about her death without bursting into tears. Instead, Thursday I did a mass cleaning of our house in preparation of my in-laws, niece and their dog’s arrival. And then I spent multiple hours at the hospital with my in-labor best friend.

Friday morning, I visited her after she gave birth to a beautiful 8-pound girl and then welcomed that afternoon the in-laws to our house for a 10-day stay. Oy.

So next week, I promise to be a better blogger. I think.

In the meantime, I read this article this morning, Stop Setting Alarms on My Biological Clock and absolutely loved it!

Death Doesn’t Become Me

The thing I hate most about being a cryface is that I get awful headaches but I would have gladly endured a thousands headaches rather than having to tell my husband that our dog had died in her sleep.

I’ve seen my husband cry but never like this. Sobbing and frantic, wishing the little body was only sleeping and going to wake up.

She was his best friend and first love. And it is so unbelievably quiet and lonely without her.

I know she had a good life, a happy life, a long 15 years of life.

But we still miss her and wish she was here.

The lady doth bitch too much, methinks…

It might have been the cheese enchilada or the joke about breastfeeding.

Whatever it was though, it gave me faith in my friendship and in myself to move forward.

It was our last dinner as a foursome. Two wives, two husbands. We laughed, we talked. And we laughed and we talked about the birth and the baby. And it wasn’t uncomfortable. And it wasn’t me losing a friend.

It was about them – the uncertainty of what parenthood brings and how it will change their lives. The joy and decibels that this little person will add to their daily routine. It was about us helping them – watching the dog, doing whatever to help the transition.

Most importantly, it wasn’t about what we don’t have but what the birth of my “niece” will bring to all of us.

It was wonderful to feel that happiness, to not have that feeling of stress or jealousy. Of course our relationship will change with the baby’s arrival. But it doesn’t mean a change for the worse.

Not the most earth-shattering epiphany, I know. But at least my head is out of my ass.

The terribly selfish friend

My best friend is about to pop and all I can worry about is being left behind.

Ninety-nine percent of her friends have babies. And they talk about babies and pregnancy. Or start sentences with me, “When you are pregnant…”

I have no clue what it is like to be pregnant, to hear your baby’s heart beat for the first time, to see your belly grow bigger every day.

All I know is that I worry about what will become of our friendship, which is unbelievably terribly selfish. Maybe I am overreacting. Maybe I am being really silly for thinking that just because she has a baby and I don’t, the basis of our friendship will be altered.

But I worry about it.

When we were both engaged and her getting married three months before me, I rolled my eyes with the “At our wedding…” comments because I knew I’d soon be getting hitched. As for this baby thing, I haven’t a clue when we actually will be pregnant.

It’s scary to see everyone else in your world get all that they want and the uncertainty of you yourself not achieving those same desires.

And I’m just scared, selfish and jealous. Nothing new. But I did call her to go to dinner tonight. Before she goes to the hospital tomorrow and comes back a mom.

Seriously, I’m a terrible person.