I have no words right now.
No heartbeat, no sac.
Just a cyst or a mass near my ovary.
Another beta run. A check on estrogen and progesterone.
Now I wait for the doctor’s call on where we go.
Why, why couldn’t it just have been a negative? Not this crazy beta hell.
All I want to be is a mother.
Not a fatalist convinced her body is a failure, her uterus is broken, her dreams shattered.
So I wait. Again. Some more.
Hope is such a double-edged sword.
I went in today just for a check on my progesterone and estrogen. They decided to throw in an HCG. Guess who’s rising but not doubling.
Dammit.
And I don’t mean to have a perpetual pity party but dammit. I honestly think it would have been easier with a simple no you aren’t pregnant. Not this maybe, maybe, let’s get an ultrasound.
And then, to quote my nurse, “it’s not promising.”
Fuck. So I get to wait until my ultrasound Thursday. And then what?
I really want to know why. Everything seemed perfect with our fertilization, retrieval and then, this. I worry that it’s ectopic. I worry I have a screwed up uterus and I’ll have to get a surrogate. We did shared risk because we knew it doesn’t work everytime but you don’t think that applies to you. And then, still, I freak out about the financials. That I have to pay for drugs and the PGD out-of-pocket every single time and we don’t have that money. Unless we sell the house and live in a box. On the street. That’s cool too.
And it freaks me out to think I am the problem in this situation. That my body is stupid and messed up. I just want to crawl in bed and hide.
Sadly, I know my story isn’t unique in this IF world. It just sucks for any of us to have to go through it.
So, my beta continues to rise at the rate they like to see. I had a blood draw Saturday and this morning.
I now have an ultrasound next week.
I am not sure what to think. I mean, on one hand I am thrilled. On the other, I am scared and worried that things won’t be in the places they are supposed to be.
So I wait some more. And I have a little bit of hope. Which is very scary. I don’t want my hopes too high but I don’t want to throw in the towel either. Oh boy. This is just crazy.
At this point, I am so confused and worried and everything in between.
Yesterday’s beta rose to 38.6. Not doubling but it still rose. The nurse wants me to come in for another out-of-pocket $90 beta tomorrow. I just want to know one way or another. And I am so scared of an ectopic. She said my doctor might call. He hasn’t.
The best quote from her, “Exactly how this will play out, we don’t know.”
Thanks for those comforting words. So now I will just consume myself with feeling like my body is absolute failure and can’t even get getting pregnant right.
And then I worry that I’m not doing a good job with the puppy too. I’m just so overwhelmed.
So I was convinced it was over.
But I doubled yesterday. I’m at 25. What the fuck? My progesterone level is 8.1 (they like above a 6 on the suppositories.) I stopped bleeding though. So I really am not sure what to think or where to go or then start to worry that I might have an ectopic pregnancy… Aargh.
I’m back at work for the first time since Thursday. I don’t want to be here but I kinda need to be.
I’d rather be at home. Playing with her. Our new puppy.
