It’s a little thing fertiles call hope

Without fail, I manage to cry at nearly every meeting with my doctor. He has come to expect this from me, sadly.

And I didn’t disappoint. Especially, when I am asked about how I am doing emotionally. Silly doctor man. My heart and my head ache, otherwise I am ok.

But my appointment wasn’t all tears. I came out feeling better and crazily enough, filled with a little thing called hope.

As I expected, there were no physical, identifiable reasons for my ectopic. My uterus is normally shaped, there was no excess fluid, no signs of anything wonky.

The only issue was that during transfer, it was a little harder to get the catheter through my cervix. So, I am getting a laminaria, or as I like to call it, a seaweed stick up my coochie to help dilate me for ease of transfer and prevention of any cervical cramping/contractions, etc., that could have moved the embies around. 

As my doctor pointed out, there was no way for us to know this would happen and no way we could have prevented it. He mentioned that ectopic pregnancies have a higher occurrence with IVF patients (10 times more frequent than those DIY couples) and also with the transfer of more than one embryo.

He thinks it is highly unlikely it will happen again, although later my Negative Nurse said that once you have an ectopic you are more prone to one. So I’ll lean more toward the positive doctor side of things. For now at least.

As well, he assured me that I don’t need to look to a surrogate and embryo quality wasn’t an issue and wasn’t a factor in it being ectopic. It just, unfortunately, happened to me.

As for going forward, I already have a tentative protocol and calendar in place. Crazy huh?

Regular me already is on day 4 of her first post-ectopic period, which means in a little less than 28 days, when I start again, I get to start birth control pills for a FET.

Luckily, we have three frozen blasts, which already were hatching, waiting for us to wake them from their slumber.

Also during my next period, I get my lovely seaweed stick, which is supposed to actually cause an infection to help dilation for the transfer the following month.

My drugs will be limited to lu.pron, patches, progesterone and such, half of which I have left over from our fresh cycle. And I am debating as to if I will do acupuncture. I don’t know anyone who has done it in real life but I figure I might give it a shot.

And, which means if you were counting, we actually are looking for a transfer in early January.

I know, I know. Crazy.

But I am thrilled to be looking forward once more, rather than focusing on the past pain and sadness I’ve been dwelling in. I am still likely going to be bitter and barren for Halloween, but maybe without quite as much bitterness as before.

It’s nice to have a little hope now and again.

Zero

Just a quick update, I am officially no longer pregnant. Beta was zero. My period started Saturday (at least I’m regular…)

And, therefore, my Halloween costume of bitter and barren is all set. Yay.

I do hope for a more positive outlook following my meeting tomorrow with Dr. G. Or, at least an idea of where we go from here.

The “regroup” appointment

So next Tuesday I have my appointment with my doctor. Deep breaths. I am just hoping to have positive information on where we go from here.

Now, I am turning to you. Are there questions I should ask of him that I am not thinking of regarding this assumed ectopic pregnancy?

Here is my current list of questions, or at least what I can think of right now:

• Why did this happen?
• How can this happen?
• Are there any ways we can prevent it?
• Were there any indications that this would happen?
• What are our options going forward?
• Do we have any options?
• How soon can we start again?
• What is your recommendation for us?
• How frequently does this happen with IVF?
• What is the likelihood of recurrance?
• Do we need to look into having a surrogate?
• Did egg quality/embryo quality play a role in this happening?
• Is there an issue with my uterus that could cause this?

I just feel so lost with the whole situation and that I did something wrong in my past to make this my current reality. I hope I get some answers and some closure. A simple no would have been SO MUCH easier than this.

Down, down, down…

After a blissful week away from work, I am back to the reality that I did, in fact, not marry a millionaire and, therefore, I have to return to the 9-to-5 world.

Insert many boos and hisses…

But I am doing better. At least physically. My beta has plummeted to 55. I am hopeful that by this Friday’s check I will have dropped to below 5 so I can be done with the blood draws. It’s really bad when the gal in our lab doesn’t need paperwork on me to know who I am or what I am there for. I did bring in a picture of our puppy, however. She has a board of all the fur babies, which, apparently, leads to real babies. Or so she says. So my fingers are crossed.

Otherwise, nothing new here. Except our fence fell down. Lovely wind and snow. So that’s a fun unexpected expense. and go Rockies. We all are now bandwagon baseball fans here.

Falling

How funny it is that for weeks I kept everything crossed that my numbers would rise, rise and rise. And now, I can only hope they plummet.

My second HCG revealed a 22 percent drop, which means I still have to be vigilant for the sudden pain, the shoulder pain, the nausea, etc., however, I don’t go back until this Friday. I hope, by then, maybe this pregnancy will have resolved itself.

In the meantime, I am not sure what to do with myself. I had planned long ago to take this week off from work. I had been hoping to start looking at maternity things. I am not sure what I will do now. I know I will try hard not to cry, which so often happens when I am alone with my thoughts, self doubt and pity…

I am glad I had that hope though. The hope that I would be pregnant. I am going to try hard to regain that in the weeks to come. I was pregnant. It just wasn’t in the right spot. My world isn’t over, no matter how dramatic I make it seem. I always can try again. And I have to remember to have hope.