So much for planning…

I’m not sure how that shiny new bag of Cad.bury Mini Eggs Christmas version ended up in my grocery cart over the holidays but it did. I don’t think it was because my in-laws stayed with us for 10 days or my mother bringing her “friend” Craig to Thanksgiving dinner.

No, I think it’s that stupid Aunt Flow delaying her arrival and messing with our babymaking plans. Because, at this point, what I need is a mini meltdown over the fact my period hasn’t yet appeared and that I’m destined to have a 100-day cycle. And yes, this is how my mind works.

Just ask Denise. We commiserated over a three-hour lunch this weekend about our clinic, our doctors, our past, our barrenness, the fact this whole IFness makes you even question if you really know what your period even is. It was therapeutic to have a person in real life know what you are going through and to make you feel not so alone amongst a very fertile network of friends and family.

Saturday was good. But now, it’s Monday. Monday the 30th day of my cycle. I am two days late. Anxious for my period to start and our real cycle to begin.

How that Cad.bury bag still is sitting unopened in my pantry, I don’t know. But if things don’t change soon, I might start buying stock in the company. I might as well get a return on my chocolate investment…

*Oops, I just realized this is my 100th post. Yay for me. And I love how it’s a truly ridiculous post, a perfect one for the spaz I am.*

The Evil Genius that is Cadbury

Once a year, the crazy emerges. When giant-sized bags purchased from Sa.ms Cl.ub get stuffed into my bra drawer.

Regretfully, admittedly, I hoard Cad.bury Mini Eggs at Easter. But I figure it is once a year when the sugar coated egg-shaped bites of pure heaven are packaged in a purple bag for my rabid consumption.

And keeping them in the bra drawer really only is successful in having me grab a handful when I get dressed in the morning, not keeping them safe for year-round delight. Yet it is my Easter tradition.

Or so I thought.

Cruising the grocery store last evening for another eventful Saturday night in my life, I stumbled upon the ruin of my FET. The bastards at Cad.bury have invented a Christmas version of the Mini Eggs.

Don’t they know that I gave up chocolate during my first IVF and will again do so for FET No. 1? Damn you minimal amount of caffeine in chocolate.

I guess my only choice is to consume the 11-ounce bag purchased last night before I start BCPs this weekend. Damn the luck.

But it is a sacrifice I will make.

Spot on

So much for entirely positive thoughts going forward…

I’m spotting. Random brown, light pink spotting. Nothing major. But I’ve never been a spotter. So I’m worried that my dear AF is coming a week early and will totally throw off my whole FET schedule. Or, that I’m completely stupid and what I thought was my period three weeks ago with the bleeding, cramping, etc., was not my period but a miscarriage even though I was told that with my low hcg levels and the location, my body would absorb the cells not shed them…

And maybe this is just what happens after methotrexate. I don’t know. I’ve never gone through this…

It is so confusing too about when I can officially start and when the drugs are out of my system. My doctor said we could start trying anywhere from six weeks to three months – although he prefers three months so we were building my protocol around three months. And with the random spottiness I just freak out that I’ll have to wait another whole month – or whenever AF visits to get going.

She just needs to hang on a week. And then I could stop being a worrywart. Aargh.

Yesterday I was worried about getting going again, now I’m worried about having to wait. I’m ridiculous.

Next week…

When I met with my doctor, I was ready to hop on the next babymaking train.

It’s not to say I’m not eager or ready this time. Or not willing to start up with BCPs next week. It’s just, I’m scared.

It never crossed my mind with our first try it would end ectopic. I thought it would be either a yes or a no. But never ectopic. Never having to know the exact time a pregnancy ends, penciled in on a calendar at a specific time.

I don’t want to have to go through that again. And there is no way I can prevent it. There is nothing I did to cause it. But I can’t keep that doubt, that fear it can happen again from nagging at me.

So I am trying to push it to the back of my mind.

So it’s all about positive thoughts going forward. And, apparently, a really random post.

Please excuse the mess…

I am currently working on updating the look of my blog, so please excuse the mess in the meantime.

And I am sure this “necessary change” is due to the long wait I am feeling until we cycle again, not that deadline is Friday and I have tons of crap – like finding and writing a couple of articles – to do.

Soon enough, I will get back to my normal bitching.