Bittersweet

I thought I would post before I went over to my best friend’s house and started painting her baby room. I figured I might be sad following, knowing I’ve yet a year to go before I could possibly be even having one of my own.

I am so happy for her and that she’ll be having my “niece.” But I am sad and jealous too. We knew she was pregnant; she just had to take the test. She called on the day that my in-laws were arriving, with our 1 1/2-year-old niece in tow, for Thanksgiving. A double reminder of what I was missing. I remember telling my hubby that night, it was bittersweet. I was happy for her but aching for us.

She’s asked if it’s been hard talking about her pregnancy, shopping for baby, etc., since I wasn’t. And I told her it hasn’t been hard. I love being a part of her pregnant life and sharing, just a little bit, in this experience. I didn’t tell her though I was disappointed in her and her hubby when they found out the news. “Yeah, we’d been trying, so we knew it was going to happen.” Not crazy, jumping up excitement. Not overwhelming joy. Not feeling utterly blessed and lucky to be pregnant. Or, all the things I imagine I’ll be doing when I found I’m pregnant (hear that universe not if but WHEN!).

I also feel I am somewhat pushed aside for the Mommy Mafia. I don’t know if this is just what happens when you are pregnant but I do feel like I’m not part of this new clique she spends time with. I know. Again, jealousy. But it’s so hard. Especially when I know how these two other mommies to be got knocked up. One, married less than three months decided to change her pill prescription and shares the exact due date as my BFF.

The other, what a story. My BFF’s friend since high school. First marriage to a gay man ended in divorce. Second marriage ended in separation. Yet because he didn’t have enough money for child support and rent, he lives in the basement of her house. They have a 2-year-old. And she decided she wanted to have another baby, with him, so her son could have a full-blood sibling. I have two half-blood siblings, trust me, there is no difference in how I love them, so I’d imagine it’d be the same. It is just holidays are doubled and tripled now, but really. That’s it.

So, one day she decided to go off the pill. The following weekend she had her Aunt Flow. A couple days later she had sex with the ex and BOOM pregnant. It’s not so much that she’s a fertile Myrtle but I can’t imagine how having your ex live in your basement is a healthy way to show your children how relationships work. But she didn’t ask me…

So it’s my tale of bittersweet Saturday. Maybe it’s the rain bringing it out of me. It’s just so hard when you are happy and sad at the same time.

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