My Own Little Island

Among my friends I am alone on the IVF island.

Not a single girl I know in real life is doing what we are doing – nor do I want any of them to have to endure it either.

I always thought I was a good friend. I was trying to keep a positive front and not bitch too loudly about being excluded from the Mommy Mafia or blinking too quickly to hide the tears that were about to fall when I would talk about my girlie parts.

I am wrong. I, apparently, am a bad friend. (And a bit of a drama queen since I don’t seem to ever talk about rainbows and sunshine on my blog but only poopy sandwiches and the like. Really, I’m a nice person. I do smile and I’m not that bitchy. I love ABBA and shopping at Target, my favorite movie is When Harry Met Sally and I buy a good chunk of my clothes at Old Navy. Seriously, I’m not a drama queen with those credentials…)

My college roommate and I e-mail each other throughout the day, all day long. As such, we talk about everything and anything. Then, we call each other and talk about it all again. We get each other and the longing we each feel for motherhood and marriage, respectively.

Our friend from college, who lives in town but with whom we talk more via e-mail in three-way messages (and, yes, it’s totally lame) has been incommunicado as of late. I now know why.

I wanted to let you both know that I miscarried recently. I’m doing okay. I’m sorry I didn’t tell either of you about my pregnancy, but given recent email exchanges with Jen I was feeling like any mention about a new pregnancy, let alone about(her son), would be taken as me being insensitive. I’ll be in touch soon.

I was numb after I received this e-mail.

Maybe I am being unfair to the fertile ones out there. Maybe I am this total pregnant people hater. I don’t know at this point. Maybe I need to act like it’s totally great everyone in the free world sneezes and gets pregnant, and for me not being with bump is okay. But I know it’s not. And it would be an act and all pretend if I really thought I was okay.

But, too, I really didn’t think I was some jerkface who made her reproducing friends shy away from her. And that is what hurt most. Whether or not what I said before really was pregnant people hating or not, it came across that way to my friend, someone for whom I love and care.

And that’s wrong.

I wrote her back yesterday.

Most importantly, I want to say how sorry I am for your loss. I can’t imagine the excitement of learning of a pregnancy or the grieving you and * have endured. I know no words can ease your pain, but know that I am saddened to hear of your miscarriage.

I am also sorry that you think you couldn’t tell me the news of your pregnancy and of your loss because of our correspondence recently.

Yes, I hurt everyday knowing it won’t be until this summer I can even try to get pregnant. Yes, I am jealous of the fertile world for conceiving at will. But, for whatever reason, that’s not my lot in life. I am not pregnant now. It doesn’t mean I won’t ever be, just that I am not now. And it doesn’t mean I can’t feel excitement over the news of your pregnancy, or any other friend’s pregnancy. It doesn’t mean I can’t listen to stories of what * is doing or what my niece is trying to say aside from Dora.

It’s just that I can’t fully understand what it’s like. I’m not yet a parent. I don’t know what it’s like to pee on a stick and get a positive, I don’t know what it’s like to grieve the loss of an unborn child, I don’t know what it’s like to give birth, I don’t know what it’s like to be a mom. But it doesn’t mean I don’t know how to be a good friend to you.

I hope you can still think of me that way – the same Jen – your friend, who occasionally throws herself a pity party about not yet conceiving but also the same friend who is just that, your friend in all senses of the word.

Love ya,

Jen

And maybe, I too, need to be a better friend to myself. I can’t let my lack of babyness define me. It is just one part. Not that it doesn’t make me want to run to the bathroom and cry right now, but maybe it’s just part of this “grand plan” to me becoming mommy.

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2 Responses to “My Own Little Island”

  1. Amy Says:

    Jen- I think your letter to her is great! I hope she understands where you are coming from. I don’t know what sort of things you’ve said to her or what your relationship is like, but I hope her non-disclosure was more because she didn’t want to hurt your and less about you being a jerkface.

  2. Mary Ellen Says:

    I think that your letter is very sweet and I hope that she is able to take it to heart. She is very lucky to have you as a friend.

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