An imposter in the land of infertiles…

I’m a worrywart about everything.

And I worry that that I’m a fake and a phony among this online community of people struggling with infertility.

We don’t know if we are infertile. Or, if we are fertile. In fact, we’ve never tried to get pregnant. Not once.

On account of my husband’s disease, we always knew the route we were going to go. In vitro fertilization with preimplantation genetic diagnosis – because I never wanted to have to make a decision to terminate a pregnancy if the baby had OI and my husband didn’t want to have a child face tons of broken bones, surgeries, growth hormones, etc.

Some days I feel entirely selfish regarding this decision and that I am depriving the world of a person like my hubby. On others, I feel like I am being proactive in helping my unborn children in having a healthy start to life.

Everyday though, I feel like I’m stuck between the fertile and infertile world.

I feel so guilty reading the blogs of individuals who are suffering through infertility. I can empathize but I really don’t know about infertility first hand… We’re jumping way ahead to IVF without any of the “prerequisite courses.”

I know about my abnormal paps and waiting years to have genetic testing completed. I know about feeling jealous over friends who conceive naturally and the animosity toward people who say us having to wait a little longer for a baby will only make us appreciate it more (because all other parents, apparently, don’t appreciate it as much).

But infertility, I don’t know about. Honestly, I don’t want to have to struggle with it either. I want a one-stop shop whenever my va-jay-jay is cleared and two embryos stick in my oven on the first try.

This must be where my Italian Catholic guilt comes in. (Ignore the fact that, technically, I am not Catholic as my parents opted for us girls to choose our own religion, not be baptized and are heathens, much to my late grandmother’s chagrin.)

I feel terrible about getting to know all these beautiful women, who are writing about their struggles, their triumphs and are offering their support to me – me, the fertile infertile who is a newcomer to the world of assisted reproductive technology. And I feel even more terrible about not wanting to have to know first hand their pain.

I am not sure why I felt the need to “confess.” Maybe it’s because it’s Friday the 13th and there’s something in the air. I think, more so, it’s because I have been included in this amazingly, supportive community that has validated my feelings and made me be able to look at myself and say I’m ok for my path toward parenthood being unconventional. And I only want to do the same for those who have been so kind to include me. It means the world to me to know I am not alone, even if I’m stuck in no-woman’s land, I am not alone. Thank you all.


4 Responses to “An imposter in the land of infertiles…”

  1. Pamela Jeanne Says:

    In my book anyone who is willing to take the time to understand the complexity and what’s involved in IF, to contemplate the heartache that comes with it and genuinely offer support is welcome any time to participate in the IF community.

  2. Adrienne Says:

    You’re not an imposter. You are (and will be) going through some of the same issues, fears, joys and heartbreaks that the rest of us are going through. Your infertility is chosen (meaning, you don’t want to risk having children on your own without PGD intervention), but that doesn’t make you any less “infertile.” You are not alone.

  3. Mary Ellen Says:

    Dealing with a genetic disorder is very stressful too Jen, and you too will be going through the emotional rollercoaster that is IVF. You are not alone here my dear, and I am thrilled to support you.

  4. Tag, I'm It? « The Mama Wannabe Says:

    […] the words of Miss A. at A Somewhat Ordinary Life. As a newbie to this whole IF world and a somewhat outsider to it, I was beyond words when she nominated me as one of the blogs that make her think (or, more […]

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