Tunnel vision

I doubt I am alone in my single-minded focus on baby making. But it seems so often I forget to appreciate what I do have and instead I fret, worry, cry, dream and think about the missing children in my life.

This, in turn, makes me fret, worry, cry and think about all the people and things in my life I am neglecting. And I haven’t even really started down the IVF road yet. I don’t want to think about how scatterbrained I’ll really become at work when I’m actually waiting for an egg retrieval…

It is amazing to me though that I know I can’t do anything until June on moving forward with IVF but, here I am, in late April solely focused on babies. It’s at the front of my mind – always.

Even sitting here in limbo, consciously knowing I can’t do anything, I still doodle baby names, still look at those chic sites offering $65 t-shirts with a hot bun in an oven picture and dream of how and when I’ll announce we are pregnant.

Pregnant bellies are taunting me, the grins and giggles of little ones making me smile and cringe simultaneously. And I’ve only been living this “hell” since February 2006 when we started the genetic testing phase. Again, I am going to be a total freak show drama queen when I actually get going.

Throughout this I’ve been surrounded by my ever-wonderful, ever-understanding husband and friends. I am trying to be good to them, listening to their problems, supporting their needs and I don’t think I’m doing enough.

I think I realize I’ll never be fully happy until I am a mom. It isn’t fair to those around me and, too, it’s not fair to me. There aren’t any guarantees on this ART train ride.

But I don’t know what else to do or how to find true happiness that doesn’t come in the form of a newborn.

And forget about being a total freak show drama queen then, I think I’m already there!


One Response to “Tunnel vision”

  1. Mary Ellen Says:

    The waiting is so damn hard. Pregnant bellies taunt me too, and that’s okay. I hope that you are able to get off of this rollercoaster in June my dear. You will definitely look great sporting one of those t-shirts. 😉

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