Hey Jealousy

That stupid Gin Blossoms song keeps running through my mind. Not the bit about driving all around town while the cops chase us around, but that refrain (or whatever musically you call it), “hey jealousy.”

Going forward, I really think I should have my name be Jealousy not Jen. And I totally aged myself in being able to remember that song too…

Last night, I went to dinner with my 30-week pregnant BFF and our spouses. Dinner was fine aside from the fact she is looking crazy big pregnant while all I can boast is a fup down there and that I now have a complex about my lip.

“Jenny, why is your lip fat? Did you get hit in the mouth? What is on your lip?” asks my bff’s baby daddy. I whip out my compact. Oh no, it’s just the slight red from my enchilada sauce and the freckle that has been on my lip forever. I’m a redhead I have freckles everywhere. But apparently, this freckle appears to have engorged my lips and looks like I have some growth to those across the table. Awesome.

So a kick-ass way to start to the weekend, needless to say.

We come home and I flop on the bed and ask my hubby to cuddle. He asks what is wrong and I reply with the “I’m fine” response that so says I am not. I then proceed to tell him, it’s the same thing that always is wrong and the same thing we can do nothing about. Babies.

I finally composed myself enough to end the rest of my exciting Friday night by finishing my bff’s baby shower invites – printing them just so on each polka dot page, using pink ink to address the envelopes. Like I’ve said before, if I can’t have my perfect life, at least I’ll be a perfect host with the perfect house – or so I can endeavor.

Yet I am still mad at myself over my jealousy of her. Her pregnancy. Her happiness. Why can’t I let go of my feelings of inadequacy? Why can’t I stop being so selfish in thinking always about my womb?

It has gotten easier as her pregnancy has gone on. I have been able to just come to the fact that no matter what I can’t be pregnant right now. It doesn’t make the hurt feel any less painful but I am really trying to be a good friend. I am happy for her. I am excited to see ultrasound pictures, pick out the crib bedding and give my two cents on paint color. I am just sad I can’t stop being jealous of all those pregnant bellies out there. I know it’s probably normal but I really tire of being Jealous Jen all the time.


3 Responses to “Hey Jealousy”

  1. Mary Ellen Says:

    It is definitely okay to feel jealous. It is hard to watch other people get so easily the very thing that you have struggled so much for. Thinking of you my dear. xx

  2. Somewhat Ordinary Says:

    I think we’ve all been there at one time or another. I try to redirect most of my jealousy towards the people I see at Ta.rget or the grocery store that are pregnant. It is easier to get those feelings out when it is a stranger.

  3. Ezekiel Matthers Says:

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