Being a martyr is really tiring.
I mean, I am trying my darnedest to bitch and moan, cry and kvetch about everything related to waiting to trying to conceive. But really, the shtick is getting a little old. And, I imagine, a little tiring to read again and again.
Now, I am certain I will have my moments of poopy sandwichness but being negative isn’t going to help me any toward the ultimate goal, so I might as well be positive right? You don’t have to answer that as I am hoping it is a rhetorical question I can answer myself…
Yesterday, after I read my tarot cards, I decided to write on paper all the things I feel guilty about in my past. The things I regret, wish I did differently, the fact I’ve yet to become a parent and the people I hurt through words or actions. And in a bit of not-so-symbolic act, I ripped up the paper and threw it away. I threw away my guilt.
Okay, so it may not be the end-all, good riddance moment of guilt chucking, but at least it’s a start for me. I really am not the crazy biatch I make myself out to be. I am just a slightly obsessed mama wannabe.
As I tore the paper, I started getting goosebumps as I felt myself slowly throwing away the scraps of my guilt. It is a feeling I need to remember. The baby making situation we are in is nothing I can change. But I don’t have to be a miserable person because of it.
And I apologize for getting all The Secret on you. I just really need to add a little hope and positivity to my life.
As for that tarot reading, I opted to do a one-card state-of-Jen reading. Trust me, I am not a super fancy psychic, I am just armed with the tarot made easy book I bought in college after my roomie and I spent hours sitting in the astrology and such aisle at Barne.s & Nob.le.
And what did this life-altering knight of cups say?
My physical body’s problems will be kept under control or cured, which I took for a clear pap and a clear path toward IVF.
But it was my special guidance that struck me. It may seem silly but something in me was ready to hear what the card was saying…
You will be advancing toward your goals. Expect positive changes because things are looking up. Asking “why this and not that” stems from lack of faith. Pretend that you have faith and faith will be given.
Here’s to a little faith. For us all.