When did I lose my belief in my right to motherhood?

Recently, my very pregnant best friend and I were discussing her latest shopping excursion. Well, she talked and I listened to tales of expensive maternity jeans and bras to fit breasts the size of my head. 

She then proceeded to mention that when I get pregnant I can wear them (the clothes, not the bra, I’m not quite the Tits Magee she is…) and then when she gets pregnant again, she can wear them, thus it will be a well-spent wardrobe investment.

Before I could stop myself, however, I made my contribution to the conversation, “Well, I just hope I can get pregnant.”

And there the words were, out there, spoken, voiced to her that I lost that unquestionable belief and faith in my ability to become pregnant. I know I have voiced before my fears and worries yet never before did it seem so sad to me that my BFF had no questions, no doubts about me becoming mommy but that I did.

When did this happen?

I am not quite a member of the infertility society nor am I one of the fertile Myrtle’s out there. So why do I feel like our chances are so remote?

I know part of it is because we were moving so quickly along toward our first cycle until my abnormal pap pulled the rug out from our plans. Now, as I am moving foward, toward the HSC this month and my follow up pap in June, I don’t want to let hope in for fear she will once again crash all the baby plans I have.

Yet I still have hope. Once again, at night I fall asleep to ideas of how I’d tell my family, friends and coworkers we are pregnant. I am again looking to the calendar and plotting when due dates could be.

But I know I will never have this belief, an undeniable, unquestionable notion that I will get pregnant. Maybe I need to have such undenying faith that it will happen. I just don’t know how I can.

I want always to say, “When we get pregnant…” not “If we get pregnant…”

But if keeps getting in my way.

Wonky-eye/car update: I’m at work, bespeckled in my glasses looking oh so the editor I am. Meow! Of course, the mechanic couldn’t replicate the window problem. So the next time I go to McDonald’s or the bank, I’m sure it will happen once again. Thanks for all your well wishes. Today is far less drama queen like.


5 Responses to “Unquestionable”

  1. Constance Says:

    I would give you a hug if I could because I am recently finding myself say the same thing — “if” instead of “when”. My good friend whose 3rd IVF was a charm pointed it out to me and said that I should always say “when”. But, it just doesn’t feel right to me. For some reason I have a need to be really honest about it, otherwise I feel worse because I feel as though I’m just wishing really hard which is stressful. I know this sounds pessimistic, but it has been surprisingly freeing, if not a little sad. You say “when” and/or “if” in whatever situation feels right for you!

  2. Mary Ellen Says:

    You aren’t infertile, but you are going through a lot to have a baby. It is hard to have hope sometimes. I think that you do have a lot to be hopeful for, and I hope that the first IVF is the charm for you. xx

  3. Somewhat Ordinary Says:

    I also do the “if” not “when” thing and always have. It sometimes bugs my husband because he has always wanted to look on the bright side through all of this, but sometimes I feel like I need to be realistic.

    You know I had a Civic that did that once in the middle of January. I put the window down to see better to make a right turn through fog and it wouldn’t go back up. A little while later it went up so I went on to work an hour away. That afternoon on the way home it happened again, but I never could get it back on. When I took it to the dealer it was something with the automatic motor thing and it was no longer under warranty by 90 miles almost the exact distance from my office and back. I was SOOOO pissed!

  4. Lady In Waiting Says:

    I am just catching up on your blog and realized that you have tagged me for an “I Am” poem. I need to think long and hard about that one but I am so excited to have the chance to compose a poem specifically for my blog. Thanks!

    When we first started TTC nearly a year ago, I always said “when”. But now I never do. It feels like jinxing or something. I often follow up talk of being pregnant with things like, “if mother nature ever decides that we are worthy.” It gets the point across and helps me to feel like I have appropriately genuflected to the powers that be that have prevented me from getting pregnant so far. I am even cautioning myself against being too optimistic that clo.mid will repair my problem, which may “only” be a luteal phase defect. I feel like too much optimism will assure a terrible outcome. Must be my strict catholic upbringing.

    And jealousy of pregnant women does not make you a bad person. How else could we feel under the circumstances?

  5. Matthew M. F. Miller Says:

    I’m excited, too, Lady in Waiting. I haven’t written a poem in a long time.

    As for the “if” and “when” debate, what truly matters is what you believe. If you are feeling doubtful, say if. If you’re full of hope, say when. Just don’t get caught up in the minutia.

    I realized this morning that I’m jealous of my pregnant sister – it’s totally normal. But it doesn’t feel good. Keep you chin up, friend.

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