Being Broken

What if, what if, what if?

It’s an easy question to ask when you are facing the reality of your present and future with the choices and consequences of your past.

What if I had gone to this school? What if I accepted this job? What if I had a normal body?

Asking now is useless, but it doesn’t stop me wondering as we now know I am the broken one.

If you will all officially welcome me to the land of infertiles. I am, today, a card-carrying member with all the full rights and privileges. I’m finding out though, membership does not have its benefits…

During my first condom-on-a-stick wanding experience, the ultrasound tech said I had great blood flow, my ovaries looked great, my uterus looks great but there is a lot of fluid there.

Not so great.

As I learned, the fluid is toxic to embryos. The fluid is likely there because of a blocked tube or two. The hysterosalpingogram Monday will confirm.

Ah, the rewards of membership – tubal ligation or full-on fallopian tube removal.

I cried. I just burst out sobbing when my doctor gave me the news. I know I am a bit of a drama queen but hearing that if it is blocked he recommends removing a part of me, something so defining as to what a woman is, removing my chance to ever have children naturally. It scared the shit out of me.

I know the basics of what being a girl is and the parts. I just heard tube removal/tying and assumed it was the end of our story. My mind quickly raced to wondering if my sister would be a surrogate.

Apparently, I know the basics not the logistics. My doctor calmly explained I can still have babies. What the daddy wannabe and I are doing takes the tubes out of the question entirely. We were never going to use them, naturally or otherwise, so their existence or not makes no difference.

You know I still don’t fully understand how I can have a regular period and all that, but that’s what webmd is for at a later date. Right now, it is coming to grips with losing a piece of me, literally.

And for the good news. There actually was good news.

Everything about my husband’s sperm analysis was great. The morphology was good, motility good, his 101 million count is good. Everything was so good he has since called his parents and his sister to tell them how good his swimmers are.

I was so happy to hear that but I now feel so guilty that I am the one holding up her part of the reproductive bargain. First the pap and now this…

That said, my doctor assured me aside from the fluid I looked great too.

My ovaries and uterus look fine. I have a resting count of 27 follicles and my egg quality appears to be good. He expects to get 20 to 25 eggs on retrieval. As well, he anticipates only have to do a medium dosage of stimulation for me as I might be a candidate for OHSS.

I felt better hearing how confident he was that we would get pregnant the first time around.

Our nurse consult also reinforced that we should be able to get quickly pregnant, although, she cautioned that if we implant two we will likely get two.

I always was thinking about hedging our bet and implanting two so one would stick. Maybe that’s why we decided to do the expensive shared risk program. Just because my luck has been so spectacularly craptastic, I don’t want to take chances.

So, now, aside from freaking out about the tube blockage issue. I am wavering on the implantation of two. Additionally, all this paperwork on who gets the embryo if one of us dies, we divorce or what happens to the extras, makes the reality of our decisions more meaningful.

Happy Mother’s Day indeed.


5 Responses to “Being Broken”

  1. Mary Ellen Says:

    Oh no! I am so sorry about the tube issue, but it is great that the doctor is so optimistic. I don’t like to give assvice, but I can’t resist here. It is true that if you transfer two you have a chance of getting two. The only thing is you will be tranferring two biopsied embryos, so their likelihood of “taking” is a bit lower than unbiopsied embyros. Just something to think about… Thinking of you today my dear. xx

  2. Somewhat Ordinary Says:

    Ugh, I’m so sorry! I don’t know much about the whole fluid thing, but is it a certainty that fluid=blocked tubes? I hope all this goes smoothly for you and I’m thinking of you!

  3. all4moi Says:

    Good luck today, Jenny! Sending you my best wishes and positive thoughts. Love you!! šŸ™‚

  4. Becks Says:


    Just stopped by from Lady In Waiting’s site and your tube story pricked my ears up.

    I had the same experience last year and took the decision to have mine removed. So if you need to talk drop me an email (

  5. Melissa Says:

    Wow. That really sucks Jen. I’m glad there are options. Did your doctors give you a timeline for when all this will happen?

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