The fear of disappointment

Ninety-nine percent of our friends in Texas know the path we are attempting to take in baby making.

And it is freaking me out.

Right now, I wish no one knew what we were planning as then I wouldn’t have anyone to disappoint. We were posed various questions during our trip from innocuous to super specific. I tried to keep it light, to talk positively about our future as parents.

Yet I don’t feel light. I don’t feel positive. I feel like we have a million miles to go before we can even get to the maybe baby phase.

I am so scared that this elusive dream of having a baby is just beyond the tip of my fingers. I reach out and can just brush the hope of parenthood but it slips past my grip, something else popping up and keeping us from holding on to what we want so dearly.

And I blame myself. Every problem that has popped up has been my health, my whatever. I want to cry, to hide. I just don’t want to be the one who is messed up and keep my wonderful hubby from being a father. I don’t want to disappoint all those friends and all that family, who are so enthusiastic about the prospect of us being parents.

As for disappointing myself, it is wrapped in to my fear of disappointing others. I think I can live with myself not being pleased as punch with myself but others? I know I seek approval and balance – it’s the curse of being a Libra.

It is ok to make mistakes, to fail. But with parenthood I just can’t.

Am I freaking out because my dear Aunt Flo is making a sporadic appearance four days early? A couple we are friends with announced they were pregnant when we didn’t know they even were trying? That I’m convinced I have some fatal disease that will prevent me from having a healthy baby?

I don’t know.

I just feel like crawling into bed and comforting myself with the dream scenarios I create before I fall asleep – scenarios that always comprise us winning enough money to pay for IVF since it is all out-of-pocket expenses for us and me being pregnant with a healthy child.

Granted, more often the dreams end up with crazy plotlines of me jumping out of a plane with Lee Majors guiding me on how to roll once I hit the ground…

I just wish it wasn’t so hard. I wish I wasn’t so scared.

I just wish for a baby, for happiness.


One Response to “The fear of disappointment”

  1. Melissa Says:

    True dat. I hope you feel better soon.

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