Throwing away the guilt

Being a martyr is really tiring.

I mean, I am trying my darnedest to bitch and moan, cry and kvetch about everything related to waiting to trying to conceive. But really, the shtick is getting a little old. And, I imagine, a little tiring to read again and again.

Now, I am certain I will have my moments of poopy sandwichness but being negative isn’t going to help me any toward the ultimate goal, so I might as well be positive right? You don’t have to answer that as I am hoping it is a rhetorical question I can answer myself…

Yesterday, after I read my tarot cards, I decided to write on paper all the things I feel guilty about in my past. The things I regret, wish I did differently, the fact I’ve yet to become a parent and the people I hurt through words or actions. And in a bit of not-so-symbolic act, I ripped up the paper and threw it away. I threw away my guilt.

Okay, so it may not be the end-all, good riddance moment of guilt chucking, but at least it’s a start for me. I really am not the crazy biatch I make myself out to be. I am just a slightly obsessed mama wannabe. 

As I tore the paper, I started getting goosebumps as I felt myself slowly throwing away the scraps of my guilt. It is a feeling I need to remember. The baby making situation we are in is nothing I can change.  But I don’t have to be a miserable person because of it.

And I apologize for getting all The Secret on you. I just really need to add a little hope and positivity to my life.

As for that tarot reading, I opted to do a one-card state-of-Jen reading. Trust me, I am not a super fancy psychic, I am just armed with the tarot made easy book I bought in college after my roomie and I spent hours sitting in the astrology and such aisle at Barne.s & Nob.le.

And what did this life-altering knight of cups say?

My physical body’s problems will be kept under control or cured, which I took for a clear pap and a clear path toward IVF.

But it was my special guidance that struck me. It may seem silly but something in me was ready to hear what the card was saying…

You will be advancing toward your goals. Expect positive changes because things are looking up. Asking “why this and not that” stems from lack of faith. Pretend that you have faith and faith will be given.

Here’s to a little faith. For us all.


3 Responses to “Throwing away the guilt”

  1. all4moi Says:

    You go girl. 🙂 I was thinking the other day that we should get together for a tarot reading…I did mine the other night, but it’s much more fun to have you do it!! 🙂 We could do tarot, drink Alize and top it off with a game of Uno.

  2. Matthew M. F. Miller Says:

    Tarot Cards, eh? Why not. It can’t be any more inaccurate than E.P.T or First Response.

  3. Lady In Waiting Says:

    I feel like you and I are of the same mindset. My life is great in so many ways – better than it has ever been – and I want to be able to feel happy. I try not to beat myself up as in “you SHOULD be happy since you have a wonderful, loving husband, a nice home, relative financial security,” but instead try to simply delight in what I have without analysis. I’ll admit that I fail at this goal much (ok, nearly all) of the time but I am trying, with great help from a fabulous yoga teacher.

    A few months ago, I found a quote in a book I read about dealing with crises (aptly titled “Welcome to Your Crisis”) and I recite it to myself often: “Choose a Positive Reality.” Am I likely to get pregnant on clomid next month? NO. Is it possible that I will make it into the “unexplained infertility” category or be diagnosed with a major fertility problem? In my warped mind, YES. I may not be able to choose these results but I CAN shape how I think about my future. Who will it hurt to think positively? Sure, I might face disastrous disappointment, but would it be any worse than months of anticipating gloom and doom? PROBABLY NOT. So, I try to stay optimistic even if I am not basing my thoughts on factual information.

    Ok, this was a ridiculously long (-winded) way of saying that I am signing up for your new approach at faking the faith thing until we actually make it!

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