Waiting Room

Since we first began this journey toward parenthood, it always has been about waiting.  A waiting room where we sit ourselves and prepare for the next appointment. At first, it was a 12-month wait for genetic results. Then, it was a month-long wait to see our RE. Currently, it is a three-month wait for a healthy cervix.

Yet through it all has been this place, this room, this area, where I have a sense of comfort, familiarity. In this waiting room, there is a sense of fear about “What if?” but it never is fully realized, it always is just the wait.

Now as our wait is nearing an end (yes, universe, I am talking to you), what is on the other side of the door is scary. Here, I don’t know if I am really fertile or not. Here, I don’t have to wait two weeks or 28 days for any news. Here, I know what to expect, what emotions to feel, what pain I can endure.

But that other side? I have to come to accept that after a cycle of actually trying I may still be waiting for two pink lines. It is learning how to do that worries me. I’m not impatient but I think I’ve been patient enough. But what if we don’t get pregnant that first time? I will be forced to sit in a new waiting room, one I’ve never sat in before and don’t know what to do while I’m there.

It is so scary to think of all the dreams and hopes you have for your life come down to a petri dish and $30,000.

So as I wait in this waiting room I know oh so well, I am trying to be positive, trying to believe all the FSH this and morphology that will mean healthy baby for us. Beyond that, I can’t do a damn thing. I guess I just have to wait. I know I can do that.

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3 Responses to “Waiting Room”

  1. Serenity Says:

    Yes.

    Even if you DO get those two pink lines… it’s still about waiting. Getting to the first beta. And then waiting for the second. And then waiting for the u/s.

    But yes. It IS scary that all my dreams and hopes seem to center around a petri dish and an obscene amount of money.

    Fingers crossed for you as always hon.

  2. Mary Ellen Says:

    It is all so stressful. Good luck my dear.

  3. Somewhat Ordinary Says:

    I was going to say the exact same thing that serenity, but I’ll add that you then have the 9 month wait to meet the baby. It is never ending!

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