Write What You Know

When I started my blog, I had the best of intentions. I was going to put “out there” what I knew – the feelings and experiences I was having related to what the Wannabes were going through related to getting pregnant.

Somehow, over the months, I’ve transformed into this unfunny biatch moaning and groaning about the wait – because that has all it has been, the wait. As well, I have seemingly become obsessed with leaving words of encouragement everywhere, checking the number of visitors I’ve had, who has left a comment, who hasn’t left a comment that used to, etc.

I started my blog not as a popularity contest, but as a place to sort out all the emotions of IVF/PGD.  It was about me. It was me giving voice to my fears, frustrations and hopes about baby making. It was me finding strength in knowing I wasn’t alone. It was me finding a community that understood.

Along the way, I met you. This community of incredible women, and a few men too, who are doing more than waiting, who have given me hope, encouragement and faith along the way. Individuals who have endured far more suffering and loss than I know.

Yet I still feel like I don’t quite belong, stuck between between the infertile and fertile world, mired in no-mans land regarding OI. And I know I’ve bitched about it before but blood draws and dildo cams don’t measure up with those who’ve gone through multiple IVFs, numerous miscarriages and other heartbreak.

As for OI, I do frequent the message board with the OI Foundation. (Yes, there is like only one message board around as it’s estimated there at most 50,000 people in the United States with the disease…) Here too, I don’t feel like I belong.

I often feel guilty about talking with “sufferers” of the disease or those that have children with OI that we don’t want to be like them, we don’t want to risk the 50-50 odds on passing the disease. I’ve been asked if we had a child with OI if I would love it any differently.

Of course I wouldn’t, I don’t love my husband any differently because he has OI than if he didn’t. It is part of who he is and what has made him the way he is today. But when my husband says he doesn’t want his children to endure two broken femurs by 18 months old, a shattered radius, dislocated ulna, among myriad other broken bones, like he did growing up, I trust him.

It doesn’t make it easier, however.

You might wonder what is the point of this? I decided that maybe our situation isn’t like anyone else’s and I should stop trying to find validation for what we are doing amongst you all when I should find that validation within myself and with the daddy wannabe.

I know I will still need you all to give me words of encouragement once we actually do get out of this waiting period and start poking my bootie with a variety of drugs, to tell me it is okay to be jealous of all the pregnant bellies out there and to tell me it is normal to curse every time the trailer for Knocked Up comes on television.

And I hope you can find something good out of the random comments I leave on your blogs, because each of you truly do inspire me.

So, going forward I am going to try to write about what I know, which occasionally isn’t very much on this IF, IVF and other acronynm-related world but more about my fears of never being a mother, how I am so sick of everyone riding LeBron James’ jock strap or that both my parents are slightly insane.

I do know though that I am very priviledged to be included in such a personal part of so many people’s lives and  I am very lucky to have people read my ramblings, like this one, however stupid they may be.

Thanks for being there…

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6 Responses to “Write What You Know”

  1. Somewhat Ordinary Says:

    You’re Welcome and thanks to you as well!

    This is your blog and you should write about whatever you d@#n well please. Write about IVF, OI, LeBron James, the weather, whatever you want because this is about you! And, as far as your situition not being like any others-obviously it isn’t. None of our situations are exactly alike and that is what makes this community so great. You can relate to people in similar situations and you can learn from people in complete opposite situations. Plus, one day someone else might be looking to IVF to bypass certain genes and they will look to your blog for comfort and education!

  2. Matthew M. F. Miller Says:

    You totally belong – we accept all comers. I don’t think any two situations are alike, and anybody who is going through any of these emotions deserves to write what they will.

    Keep on keeping on, friend.

  3. Mary Ellen Says:

    Girl this blog is all about you, and I will be here to support you regardless of what you write about.

  4. Melissa Says:

    I’m glad you’re writing and I get excited when you comment on my blog. It feels good to know that someone out there cares about whatever random crap I feel like doling out any particular day. I care about your random crap, too. 😉

  5. Lady In Waiting Says:

    Though some blogs are incredibly similar, I find that each blog has its own flavor and slant. That’s what makes reading blogs so damn interesting. And educational.

    Keep writing, my friend!

  6. karenO Says:

    Right back at you! You’re one of the women in this blogosphere of ours that soothes many an aching heart when they read your posts. Don’t ever think that you’re not allowed to show the negative side of your emotions. Hiding them away and only talking about the positive things in life is just aggravating the problem. Be true to yourself and write to your hearts content: It’s YOUR blog and you can say just about anything you want!

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