The “Plan”

If I am lucky, my husband will talk on the phone with me for five minutes. Maximum.

You get him on the phone with one of his female coworkers, you can’t shut him up. He will talk and talk and talk gobbling up all the minutes on our family share plan. Seriously, you think he was a teenage girl.

Tonight, he spoke with Miss M., his favorite coworker for 45 minutes or so. A short conversation for the two of them. Then, suddenly, the phone was thrust upon me with a single question.

She wanted to know about the baby.

Thankfully, my husband hasn’t shared the tale of my jacked up cervix with anyone unless I said it was okay. And even then, he is still a little bit fuzzy on the details as he obviously has the opposite plumbing and the distinct pleasure of not being poked, prodded and snipped. So, he defers to me.

A little dumbstruck, I decide to go the honesty route. I told Miss M. that I had an abnormal pap, had some surgery to hopefully fix it and now we are just waiting for a clear pap before we move forward toward baby.

Her response wasn’t what I was expecting. She was glad to hear it wasn’t only my hubby’s “fault” in us not yet being pregnant. She was glad that together we could share the hardship, the reason why we weren’t yet pregnant. She also mentioned that my hubby’s promotion at work had everyone “who loves him at the office” jumping for joy. It was God’s plan that we share blame, that this be the position my hubby moved up to to better support the family we are creating.

Heathen I am, I haven’t figured out my religion yet. And in no way is this a request for anyone to try and sell me their beliefs, but Miss M.’s belief that this is some greater plan is a nice idea –  together we shoulder the weight of not being pregnant, neither of us more to blame than the other and now that we each share the responsibility, the next step in the plan is to get pregnant.

Oh how I hope Miss M. and her God are right.

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12 Responses to “The “Plan””

  1. Serenity Says:

    I am not sure that I buy the whole “God’s plan” argument… NOR the idea that you “share blame” with your husband. Regardless of the cause of your infertility, you’re a couple. Which means there is no blame game to begin with.

    Personally, I’d have been offended at Miss M’s comment. But I’m sensitive these days I guess.

    And I can’t believe in a God who would willingly submit you to the pain of IF so your husband could get a promotion.

    Maybe it’s just me though. 🙂

  2. Somewhat Ordinary Says:

    I think I would have totally taken offense to this comment! I don’t look at IF as anyone’s fault and that has been a hurdle I’ve had to jump with my husband over and over. He constantly wants to say our infertility is his fault. It wasn’t his fault he got cancer or his fault the drugs damaged his chances of having children. It was just the shitty cards we got dealt, but it wasn’t his fault. I’m not the one with the IF problem, but I can say that I’ve carried the weight of it as much as if not more than him. I look at as no matter who is the one with the infertility we both shoulder the burden and carry the saddness around like a lead weight.

    My question for her would have been why would God want someonw to share “the blame” for a medical condition-something they can’t control?

  3. michelle Says:

    I hve to jump in and agree. I’m not sure that I would have been comfortable having M talk to a coworker for 45 minutes on the phone, esp. about infertility. But, that’s my paranoid side. I think i would have taken offense too. Share blame? Are you kidding me??
    I think I would have said something to the effect of “This isn’t about blame. This is about finding a way around a road block that was thrown in front of us.”

  4. Jen Says:

    I’m not very quick witted, so I didn’t come up with a snappy response to Miss M. last night. Instead just the truth and left it at that…

    And I try to take it with a grain of salt. She is a very devout, 68-year-old Catholic woman, who is one of my husband’s best friends at work. If someone close to me had said that then, yes, I likely would have been more offended. But I am trying to be a better person and not worry what others think of me but what I and my husband think of us.

    As for the blame, I don’t think God, the universe, whatever, selectively chooses who to afflict with whatever disease, ailment, infertility, etc. And I don’t blame my husband for his disease, it is part of the fabric of him. It didn’t stop me from marrying him and it certainly won’t stop us from having children one way or another.

  5. Mary Ellen Says:

    I would have been offended too. This isn’t anyone’s fault. Just something that you have to work through together. Hugs.

  6. Pamala Says:

    Yeah as a Christian myself that statement would have offended me. You took it rather well. I do believe that God has a plan for everyone though and who knows, perhaps this is what He was planning. Don’t know, can’t tell for sure but there’s nothing wrong with believing that.

  7. Jenna Says:

    What a great sport you are. I probably wold have done just what you did, but I’d be having one heck of an internal monologue jam packed with the responses I’d like to have given publically.
    We used to get the, “Who’s got the problem.” My typical response was, “huh?” but after a few years I got really good at saying, “If we can’t have a baby, I’d say we both have a problem.”

  8. MLO Says:

    I kind of understand her point of view. There was a time, not that long ago, when men could put away their wives if they were infertile. Sad, but true.

    Most of my contemporaries are not all that interested in the details – of course I set up a private blog where they can read about them without asking me in person. It gets them to the information without stressing me out.

    Pax,

    MLO

  9. Nichole Says:

    Thanks for the input on my blog – however WOW!!! Your husband’s co-worker sounds like a doosie.

    I don’t know how I would have handled the situation, but I know I would not have handled it as well as you did!

    Hang in there and I really enjoy reading your blog.

  10. Caro Says:

    I’d probably have thought that the comment was at best insensitive especially as I don’t believe in any gods or their plans. I’m a talker though so I’d probably have told her what was going on. If someone asks me about all this I tell them. My husband doesn’t like to talk about it which held me back to begin with but now I talk.

  11. Tuesday Says:

    Hi!
    Usually at those comments I just roll my eyes and remind myself that they mean well and they’re only trying to help in their own little way. But still.

    I dig your layout and I’m adding you to my blogroll if that’s okay. 🙂

  12. Stacie Says:

    You’re a lot nicer than I am. If some woman I barely knew told me she was glad it wasn’t just my husband’s “fault” my reaction would be that she had a heck of a lot of nerve. And then to dump religion on someone without knowing their faith? Ugg.

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