I know my friends mean well.
They are trying to support me best they can, saying it will all work out.
And I want to believe them. But I can’t seem to get my head around how we are going to pay for IVF.
My insurance only covers up to $2,000 to find the cause of infertility. Nothing more. I am on my husband’s insurance as well, but the secondary insurance is nothing I’m banking on because, frankly, I don’t want to get my hopes dashed. And I have to pay first, file claims and then wait for who knows how long…
So here I am. Today was our how-to-be-a-intravenous-drug-user-lesson. I should have been excited that in a month they tentatively will be retrieving eggs, transferring embryos and we could soon thereafter be pregnant.
But no. I am freaking the fuck out about money.
Of course, we’re opting for shared risk to hedge our bet. And, of course, that costs a lot more.
Last night, all I did was cry myself to sleep with worry. How are we going to afford another like $700 in debt paying off a month, then what if we have babies? What then? I have visions of living in our car, one of the many causers of said debt, digging through garbage bins just to feed ourselves.
And then my hubby gets angry/defensive/upset about me crying about bills – you know that fairly poop sandwich response men seem to have when confronted with a crying woman – that he’s the one to blame because he has the genetic disease, he’s the reason we’re doing this. Yes, he is the reason but he never asked for OI. He didn’t ask to be born with an abnormality with his collagen production. He didn’t ask for that full body cast at 18 months of age.
He can’t be blamed for this avenue we are taking, we chose this route together. There is no blame. We’re a team, in this together. But I don’t know if he really truly believes that. And it hurts me to no end thinking how shitty he feels about himself.
It doesn’t help either that I can’t ask either of my parents for money. My father has now proceeded to lose his house to foreclosure while my mother blew through her divorce settlement with my stepdad in six months.
My dad tries to borrow money from me. My mom borrows money from her parents.
This morning, I lost it when my boss told me not to worry about my doctor’s appointment. I just started crying. And we then proceeded to talk about money. If there were people I could ask about helping us, or if I could use our HELOC.
He didn’t have any new ideas for me but just reinforced the fact that I need to ask my grandparents and my in-laws for financial help. I wish I didn’t have to. So much for being an independent grown up.
But it will all work out, right?