The terribly selfish friend

My best friend is about to pop and all I can worry about is being left behind.

Ninety-nine percent of her friends have babies. And they talk about babies and pregnancy. Or start sentences with me, “When you are pregnant…”

I have no clue what it is like to be pregnant, to hear your baby’s heart beat for the first time, to see your belly grow bigger every day.

All I know is that I worry about what will become of our friendship, which is unbelievably terribly selfish. Maybe I am overreacting. Maybe I am being really silly for thinking that just because she has a baby and I don’t, the basis of our friendship will be altered.

But I worry about it.

When we were both engaged and her getting married three months before me, I rolled my eyes with the “At our wedding…” comments because I knew I’d soon be getting hitched. As for this baby thing, I haven’t a clue when we actually will be pregnant.

It’s scary to see everyone else in your world get all that they want and the uncertainty of you yourself not¬†achieving those same desires.

And I’m just scared, selfish and jealous. Nothing new. But I did call her to go to dinner tonight. Before she goes to the hospital tomorrow and comes back a mom.

Seriously, I’m a terrible person.

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4 Responses to “The terribly selfish friend”

  1. all4moi Says:

    You’re not terrible. It’s okay to feel what you feel – and just know that I fully expect for you to start sentences to me in that same way too! And I’m excited for the day you do!! Hang in there…

  2. coffeegrl Says:

    Don’t feel bad – I was going through the same thing from last fall until this May when my friend finally delivered. She and I started TTC at about the same time but it only took her a couple of tries to get pregnant. For the next 9 months I could see the physical changes in her and all i could think about what how far behind I was falling. It was excruciating. And I felt like the worst friend in the world since I could hardly make eye contact with her. *sigh* Ultimately, I agree with the previous comment though, I think we just feel what we feel. And no one here will judge you for it.

  3. Radish Says:

    I’m on the other end of the equation. My good friend and I both had miscarriages right around the same time and now I’m pregnant and she’s miscarried twice since then. It’s hard for me to share my pregnancy with her, even though she’s asked me to. It’s hard on both of us. Me, because I don’t want to hurt her any more than she’s already been hurt. And her, because it’s got to be so difficult to see my belly growing and my happiness at making it this far. I just hope that one day soon you both get your wish.

  4. Somewhat Ordinary Says:

    YOU.ARE.NOT.A.TERRIBLE.PERSON! You are human and it is so natural to feel this way. I know it is hard and I know how bad it sucks . The coming days will be hard, but I’m thinking of ya!! You really are a great friend to her and I’m sure she knows it.

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