I went in today just for a check on my progesterone and estrogen. They decided to throw in an HCG. Guess who’s rising but not doubling.
And I don’t mean to have a perpetual pity party but dammit. I honestly think it would have been easier with a simple no you aren’t pregnant. Not this maybe, maybe, let’s get an ultrasound.
And then, to quote my nurse, “it’s not promising.”
Fuck. So I get to wait until my ultrasound Thursday. And then what?
I really want to know why. Everything seemed perfect with our fertilization, retrieval and then, this. I worry that it’s ectopic. I worry I have a screwed up uterus and I’ll have to get a surrogate. We did shared risk because we knew it doesn’t work everytime but you don’t think that applies to you. And then, still, I freak out about the financials. That I have to pay for drugs and the PGD out-of-pocket every single time and we don’t have that money. Unless we sell the house and live in a box. On the street. That’s cool too.
And it freaks me out to think I am the problem in this situation. That my body is stupid and messed up. I just want to crawl in bed and hide.
Sadly, I know my story isn’t unique in this IF world. It just sucks for any of us to have to go through it.