Seeping Away

It’s not over. Not yet. I could still be pregnant.

But I feel like the little life trying to survive is slowing seeping away. I am once again on bedrest, once again with a random spotting of brown and red.

I had hoped the beta would give me a definite yes or no. Not a 12.5.

My nurse says to not freak out, she has seen a beta of 8 turn into a healthy baby. But what’s happening between my legs makes me fear the worst. A embryo implanted and my uterus has failed it.

I know it’s a question that really can be answered but I want to know why. Why? I really don’t believe there is some benevolent, all knowing being theremeting out judgement on who should and shouldn’t be parents. But if I could repent for all my sins, make right all the wrongs I’ve committed. Do whatever to please this giver of the gift of life, I’d do it.

I also want to know why is this happening to us? Why can’t we be this couple that has success the first time around? Why does it have to cost us so much money? Why do I worry about the money so much? Why is my body failing to do what it was built to do? Why? Why? Why?

There are no good answers. My beta could still double. It could. I am trying to be positive. But it’s hard. And I try not to cry too much. But it’s an overwhelming feeling of pain, guilt, sadness and blame.

I know I am not alone in the IF world in feeling this way. But why should anyone have to feel this way. Endure this pain. The hope. The fear. The pain. I know. Life isn’t fair.

But when it seems so incredibly unfair I just want to know why.


8 Responses to “Seeping Away”

  1. Amy R Says:

    Jen, hang in there. Do not give up emotionally? There is a little guy/gal in there trying to hold on!! All day I’ve been reading SOOO many stories of low beta #s that become a beautiful baby. Just give it a few more days, okay?
    Thinking of you.

  2. christina Says:

    on the there was just a beta of 18 that turned into a higher beta and viable pregnancy. the number, so long as it is above 6, doesn’t matter, it is whether it doubles or not.

    TONS of people spot with IVF.
    not that i wouldn’t be freaked out, b/c i would be. but its too early to panic!!

    hang in there.

  3. Serenity Says:

    Oh hon. I’m so sorry. A beta of 12.5 plus spotting doesn’t look good. I know that feeling REALLY well.

    It HAS happened though, and it might happen with you. Just get through the next couple of days – hang in there, hon.

    Thinking of you.


  4. Mary Ellen Says:

    Hang in there honey. I have been there. Thinking of you.

  5. Somewhat Ordinary Says:

    Hang in there! I’m thinking of you and hoping that number doubles!

  6. Pamala Says:

    I’m hoping your numbers double as well! I don’t know why some of us have no problem while others do. But stay positive because your body will be positive if you are.

  7. Chas Says:

    I spotted a lot when I got pregnant with my daughter…they say it’s normal…but I know how you feel; it makes you very nervous. That first number isn’t so important; it’s the doubling that matters. Congrats on doubling!!

    BTW, if you visit me, my pw is “frozen”.

  8. Nichole Says:

    I am so sorry this is so hard right now! My thoughts and prayers are with you!

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