Why do I bother to hope?

I went in today just for a check on my progesterone and estrogen. They decided to throw in an HCG. Guess who’s rising but not doubling.


And I don’t mean to have a perpetual pity party but dammit. I honestly think it would have been easier with a simple no you aren’t pregnant. Not this maybe, maybe, let’s get an ultrasound.

And then, to quote my nurse, “it’s not promising.”

Fuck. So I get to wait until my ultrasound Thursday. And then what?

I really want to know why. Everything seemed perfect with our fertilization, retrieval and then, this. I worry that it’s ectopic. I worry I  have a screwed up uterus and I’ll have to get a surrogate. We did shared risk because we knew it doesn’t work everytime but you don’t think that applies to you. And then, still, I freak out about the financials. That I have to pay for drugs and the PGD out-of-pocket every single time and we don’t have that money. Unless we sell the house and live in a box. On the street. That’s cool too.

And it freaks me out to think I am the problem in this situation. That my body is stupid and messed up. I just want to crawl in bed and hide.

Sadly, I know my story isn’t unique in this IF world. It just sucks for any of us to have to go through it.


10 Responses to “Why do I bother to hope?”

  1. maryellenandsteve Says:

    It does suck. It sucks so much. I am so sorry sweetie. Please know that you are not alone.

  2. Kim Says:

    I know how you feel…it sucks big time.

    That’s what happened to me on my first IVF attempt…a low positive that didn’t rise fast enough and I lost the pregnancy. It was so much worse than just getting a negative. …so sorry.

  3. Kristen Says:

    I’m so sorry about the beta. I pray its not ectopic and that things will be okay. I’m thinking of you and sending lots of love your way. XOXO

  4. Frank N. Beans Says:

    Sorry about the news, hang in there.

  5. christina Says:

    oh that’s too bad. i am so sorry. ok, as the ultimate optimist (and i don’t know what your numbers are…) but sometimes there is a vanishing twin which causes your numbers not to double. but generally, in that case, your numbers would still be higher than average. just fyi.
    i hope its good news, although i can tell from your tone that your gut tells you its not…and all to often our gut feelings are right.
    try not to drive yourself crazy as to why it didn’t work. it just doesn’t some time. i mean, we’re both (k and I) fertile as all on paper…but you see where that’s gotten us. not.so.far. and at first i used to drive myself crazy wondering why? but for millions of us there is no why.
    and nothing to say that IVF2 or a FET won’t work out. (assuming that this doesn’t).
    take care.

  6. Bea Says:

    I just hope Thursday’s ultrasound is definitive. It’s horrible not to know what to expect.


  7. Tonya Says:

    Thinking of you. I know how hard a slower rising beta is, and I am hoping you get the best news possible tomorrow.

  8. Somewhat Ordinary Says:

    I’m thinking of you! Hopefully tomorrow will bring some good news.

  9. singletracey Says:

    just thinking of you today….

  10. christina Says:

    hey, did you have the u/s? i hope, hope, hope its GREAT news.
    thinking of you.

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