$13.50 *Updated*

It’s *amazing* what $13.50 can get you.

While thousands upon thousands of dollars were spent to extract, test, fertilize and transfer two healthy embryos, it only took a $13.50 prescription to end it. It is stunning to believe that what took so long to create, took so much effort to occur, could be ended so easily, so quickly.

It has left me numb. I don’t know what to think, how to feel, what to say.

There never was a heartbeat. Only just a little circle, a dark spot that seemed to be in my left tube. But when my friend stated it wasn’t like a real miscarriage, I was shocked. It was a pregnancy. Abnormal. Nonviable. Ectopic. But a pregnancy nonetheless. Or maybe it was a pregnancy just to me.

Either way, it’s a miscarriage of hope.

In all the waiting, there was hope. Hope we could get pregnant the first time. Hope that we’d have the beginnings of a happy family. Hope everything was okay.

Now I am left with an overwhelming sense of doubt and fear. The “what ifs” have become a constant running through my mind. What if I always have ectopics? What if I can never get pregnant? What if I have to find a surrogate?

The doctor who gave me the once over before the injection Friday (mine, of course, is on vacation) said in all his 19 years of REing, he’s only had one patient ever had an ectopic twice. It made me feel a little better but the ever-present doubt and fear remains.

I feel like such a failure. I’m barren and broken.

How do I get over that?

I have a friend, who believes greatly in The Secret, the universe and fate. She is trying to get me to believe all things happen for a reason, that my body is just where my spirit resides and I can’t control all aspects to it. I know she wants me to let go of the guilt and pain I feel for having this happen. But I can’t. I feel responsible.

It is my body. Whether just a temporary vessel housing my spirit or not, it is my body. How can I separate the two? When I look in the mirror, the face I see is mine. I see Jen. Jen with the red hair, the freckles, the nose with the bump. I see my body. I don’t necessarily see the spirit within. And I don’t know that I’d want to see the conflicted soul right now either even if it’s apparent on my visage whether or not I like it.

I know there likely isn’t an answer to why this happened. I just wish there was. It maybe could give me back a little of the hope I’ve lost, the hope that is seeping out of me.

** Despite the bleeding that started Saturday morning, my HCG rose slightly today. This is not unexpected, or so the nurse says. I get to go in on Thursday and depending on numbers, we go from there. I just can’t do it the easy way can I? **

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7 Responses to “$13.50 *Updated*”

  1. Nichole Says:

    Jen – I am so sorry. It is so unfair! My thoughts and prayers are with you. **HUGS**

  2. SJ Says:

    What a beautifully-written post. That’s good news from the RE about ectopics. Very reassuring.

    I’m so sorry this is happening to you right now. To hear you calling yourself “barren” and “broken” makes me so sad, though I am definitely guilty of doing the same.

    Actually just watched the Secret on DVD and it made me livid! I don’t know why, but it really didn’t work for me in the context of IF. Felt like it gave me even more fodder for blaming myself. Who needs that?!

  3. millie Says:

    So sorry you’re going through all of this. Hope your numbers drop nicely and your three months passes quickly.

  4. singletracey Says:

    UGH… I just read the update! SAME THING HAPPENED TO ME.. I am sorry sweetie!

  5. christina Says:

    good grief.
    i can’t believe that this is happening to you.

    no offense…but i don’t think either of your friends are being very helpful. Not a real m/c? How about not a real SMACK. Ok, i won’t hit her!
    and, i’m osrry….this shite ain’t happening for a reason. G-d, or the universe, or whatever…wouldn’t do this to you. OR anyone. As soon as someone would explain why babies get cancer and die, or why young mother’s do, then I’ll buy into the ‘everything happens for a reason’ crap. The G-d I know doesn’t punish people in horrific ways to gain a teachable moment.
    Perhaps she means that you can learn from, even bad things, that happen to you?

    I do think that you’re going to get through this. That you won’t be this sad forever. That you willl be a mom one day.

    I am so, so sorry.

  6. millie Says:

    Your hcg can go up a bit at first. That’s totally normal. Then they’ll expect to see a 10% drop between tests. If you don’t get that, they’ll likely recommend another shot of meth.

    And not to alarm you but I hope they told you what to expect painwise. Ectopics can still rupture even after meth so you should call them or go to the emergency room if you have more pain that you should.

  7. littledifficult Says:

    Jen – I am so sorry for your loss. This is certainly a real miscarriage, regardless of what your friend might mistakenly think. Being ectopic doesn’t make it any less painful, physically or emotionally. My thoughts are with you.

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