Am I allowed to ask ‘why me’ now?

Thank you for all your support, well wishes and good thoughts.

But today’s ultrasound was more horrible than the ectopic. There was a sac. A lonely empty sac. No fetal pole, no development, no nothing.

I had two techs come in to look around. Hell, at least my cervix is nice and long and closed, right? I couldn’t, wouldn’t even look. My husband did. But, I just couldn’t.

I actually got to meet with my doctor and he said he doesn’t know why someone as nice as me and as fertile as I am should have such bad luck. He said it looks like development stopped right at 4 weeks, right when I got pregnant.

My husband is only blaming himself. I’m blaming myself.

Dr. G assured me that there was nothing I did to cause this, unless I had chemotherapy or radiation treatment I didn’t tell him about.

I am at a loss. Dr. G said that the ectopic could have been a great embryo just in the wrong spot and this was a bad embryo in the right spot.

Why?

He told me I’m really flying in the face of all the statistics. He also said the ectopic doesn’t technically count as a miscarriage and that he doesn’t recommend testing of us and our chromosomes because of my age, fertility history, etc.

I just wanted a baby. A normal, healthy baby. I can’t fathom this.

My doc said I didn’t have to decide today if I wanted to do a D&C, etc. He also said I could have another ultrasound if I wanted. I told him I’ve gone through two empty ultrasounds at 6 1/2 weeks. I don’t want another.

So I’m off my meds, and waiting to see what happens. I really wonder if that was I was trying to do last week with the spotting, miscarrying.

Again, a simple no you aren’t pregnant would have been soo much easier. Instead it’s this pain of feeling that I have no problem getting pregnant but something always has to be wrong. Nothing can go right.

I am so disappointed in myself. I know I have no reason to be. But I feel like such a failure.

So I wait to bleed. I wait to try again. When? I have to have another pap, in four to six weeks after I bleed, and we all know the history of my crappy cervix and its abnormal cells, then do all the contagious disease testing, then another SA, then…

Fuck.

I’m so empty inside.

So empty, sad and mad…

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44 Responses to “Am I allowed to ask ‘why me’ now?”

  1. bleu Says:

    I am so very very sorry. This is just so awful. I am not ok with the whole no testing with just this scenario. There should not be a number reached before testing when it is just blood tests.
    I wish I could do something but I know so well I cannot. I am thinking of you and sending much love and peace during this painful time.

  2. Jennifer Says:

    You sound stronger than you probably feel right now. I’m so sorry, Jen. This is so terrible – but I know you know that. You and your DH deserved this pregnancy…been thru so much already…I’m so sorry you’re here again! It certainly is not a place I ever wish upon anyone. Take it all one day at a time and ask for whatever testing YOU want…who cares about what the RE thinks at this point…get the testing if you want it!

    I’m thinking about you and hoping you are given all the strength you need right now!

  3. Rebecca Says:

    Hi Jen, I’m usually a silent reader, but after this I just had to say I’m sorry. I know what it feels like to see nothing in the ultrasound moniter. There’s just something very sad and empty about it. My thoughts are with you and your DH.

  4. Sue Says:

    I am so sorry. My heart goes out to you and your DH right now. I’ll be thinking about you.

  5. topcat Says:

    I’m so very sorry for your pain and loss. It truly sucks.

    Thinking of you.

  6. Meg Says:

    My god Jen. I am so incredibly sorry. This is such a horrible place that I wish none of us ever had to see. If you are there Saturday, I owe you a huge hug.

  7. Serenity Says:

    Oh Jen. I’m so sorry to hear this. 😦

    Love to you and your DH.

    xxxx

  8. She Likes Purple Says:

    I so didn’t want this for you. Even a stranger wanted so much for this to work for you. I am so terribly sorry.

    You deserve a baby. I wish it was as easy as deserving it.

    We both know it’s not.

    I am sending as many warm thoughts as I can. They won’t make this better but they’re there, anyway.

  9. Road Blocks and Roller Coasters Says:

    I am so, so sorry Jen. Please know I am thinking of you and sending lots of hugs you way.

  10. millie Says:

    I’m so so so so very sorry. I wish there were some words or something I could say. I’m thinking of you and railing against the universe on your behalf.

  11. meg Says:

    I am so sorry….

  12. JJ Says:

    Jen I cant believe this is happening to you…I feel such an ache for you and your husband. I am so very, very sorry. Know that I am here…

  13. Nancy Says:

    Oh no. Such horrible news today. I am so, so, so sorry. I’m sorry for your loss. I’m sorry for the feelings you had to feel today. There aren’t any words I have to give, except my heart is open for you. It’s not fair. It’s just not fair.

  14. Lori Says:

    Oh, Jen. I wish I knew the words to make things better for you.

    Holding you in my thoughts.

  15. ktalastas Says:

    Fuck, fuck, fuck is all I can think of to say. And unfucking fair. I’m so, so, so sorry this has happened to you. It makes no fucking sense. I am thinking of you and your husband and hope you are able to find comfort in each other.

  16. M Says:

    My thoughts are with you…. I’m so very sorry….

  17. SaraS-P Says:

    I am so sorry.

  18. Rebecca Says:

    I’m so sorry…this makes no sense.

  19. singletracey Says:

    Hey sweetie.. this F-N sucks. It isn’t fair and you are totally allowed to ask “why me”. I don’t understand for one single second this had to happen. I don’t understand why it just can’t be easy and fun and enjoyable to get a BFP and carry that excitement through 9 more months.

    You KNOW I am here for you to talk, to vent to listen. I am so so so sorry this happened to you. I wanted so bad for it to go the other way.

    Love to you and DH.

  20. Hazy Says:

    I’m so sorry to hear this. I wouldn’t be able to look too. Take time for you and your DH to mend.

  21. Jennifer Says:

    I’m so very sorry. It is simply not fair that you should have to go through this again. It simply is not fair.

  22. Serenity Says:

    I just wanted to tell you I am thinking about you today. Don’t play in comparative pain – what you are going through is hard. And it’s unfair. And it just sucks.

    Hugs and love coming your way from MA, hon.

    xxxxx

  23. Kristen Says:

    Jen, I’m so sorry. I have also had a blighted ovum and it is so heartbreaking. It hurt just as much as my second miscarriage and we saw a heartbeat with that baby. Like Serenity said, don’t compare your pain to others – your pain is just as real. You can grieve just as much as anyone else. The plain simple fact is that you are losing another baby. And it is so f*ing unfair.

    I’m thinking of you and sending lots of hugs your way. XOXO

  24. maria Says:

    Jen, I am so very sorry for your loss. You and your DH are such wonderful people, you deserve so much. I wish there was more I could say to help take away the pain. Just know that I’m thinking about you and you’re in my thoughts and prayers.

  25. Mel Says:

    Jen, I am so incredibly sorry. I’m sending you peace of heart.

  26. Mel Says:

    Jen, I am so incredibly sorry. I’m sending you peace of heart.

  27. Amy Says:

    I am so sorry for your loss. I wish you peace in your journey from here. We are all here to help get you through. I am so incredibly sorry.

  28. Carrie Says:

    I’m so sorry to hear this horrible news. I know my words don’t change a thing but I am thinking of you.

  29. Somewhat Ordinary Says:

    Jen, I’m so sorry to hear this. You and your husband are in my thoughts.

  30. Heidi Says:

    This should never happen to anyone. I am very sorry to hear it happened to you. Know that you and your husband are on one more persons prayer list. ((hugs))

  31. Katie Says:

    I am so, so sorry. This is awful news and I am crying for you. I wish that there were some words, some thing, that I could do or say to make you feel even a bit better. I am thinking of you, your husband, and your sweet angel baby.

  32. Calliope Says:

    so so sorry. sending hugs across the wires to you & your DH

  33. Erica Says:

    I am so sorry. I totally understand how you feel. My sister has gone through 2 fresh cycles (both cancelled due to OHSS) and they froze everything. For every frozen cycle she has had, she had a positive test, once it was ectopic, once it was chemical, and once it just didn’t double correctly and she ended up having a D/C. And all she kept saying was “It would have been so much easier to just get a negative”.

    I know that right now you have to just grieve and take the time you need. Know that we are out here supporting you. Hugs.

  34. Katie Says:

    I am so, so sorry. You are certainly allowed to ask “Why me?”…..all of us with a loss (or several) under our belt feel the same why. You are in my thoughts. ((hugs))

  35. Duck Says:

    I’m so sorry. I wish there was an answer as to “why me”.
    Take the time to grieve.
    Hugs.

  36. Michell Says:

    I’m so sorry.

  37. HeidiM Says:

    My condolences. I had an empty sac in November after IVF. I know it’s such a roller coaster, being incredibly happy, then incredibly sad. So close and yet so far. I did another u/s at 7 weeks and then at 8 weeks because of a site I found, http://www.misdiagnosedmiscarriage.com, that has tons of stories of women who were told they had a blighted ovum but then later something was seen in the sac. My outcome was negative — I agreed to the d&c after the 8 week u/s. At least it made the horrible morning sickness disappear instantly. But I feel for you, I know the pain.

  38. wanttobeamom Says:

    I’m so sorry! =(

  39. luna Says:

    so so sorry. thinking of you. ~luna

  40. Amy Says:

    Jen ~ So sorry to hear…you are in my thoughts…((HUGS)) to you and DH.

  41. peesticksandstones Says:

    This is heartbreaking. I am so sorry you’re having to deal with this — it’s so unbelievably unfair. I hate when doctors chalk stuff up to bad luck. I mean, I know sometimes that’s all there is to say, but it’s like what is this, Las Vegas? Uggh.

    You will definitely be in my thoughts… many, many warm hugs.

  42. Laura Says:

    I am so very sorry. My thoughts are with you.

  43. JuliaS Says:

    Jen, I am so sorry. I have been there done that too many times – the ectopic pg too. I have seen the baby and then come to lose it and also not seen and lost, I can honestly tell you both ways hurt – a lot, pain is pain. Be good to yourself. I wish you many good things to come and peace and comfort for now.

  44. Melanie Says:

    Jen, thinking of you.

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