I’m still here

I am at a loss, no pun intended, to come up with words to describe how I feel, how I am.

I think my father-in-law said it best, shitty.

I am helpless right now, not hopeless. But I only continue to ask the unanswerable why.

I want answers, I want hope, I want faith.

I don’t want to be curled naked in a ball on the floor of my bathroom crying in agony over the loss of a pregnancy and the unbelievable pain I can only liken to menstrual cramps times 1,000 plus the overwhelming pressure of a bowel movement that never comes. Yes, that was my Friday night.

I am physically feeling better. The cramps are far milder today. But the blood continues. I hope it is a good sign that at least my body can do one thing right.

I’m scared though, too. I don’t have a problem getting pregnant. We’re only doing this to prevent our children from having a childhood like my husband’s. So then I second guess. I wonder if I’d be happily pregnant with a child, OI or not, if we were doing this naturally.

Did the thaw cause this? Or is it more? Are my eggs bad? Is this why I have failed twice in six months? Twice in six months. It’s unbelievable to me to fathom the next time I’m pregnant will be the third time I’m pregnant. How is that even right?

I don’t think I’m going to be Jen. The Jen everybody knows until I’m a mom. I don’t know that I’ll be really happy until then. That’s scary. And kinda sad.

I just hope my body does this right. It owes me that.

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16 Responses to “I’m still here”

  1. Lady In Waiting Says:

    Oh sweetie, I am so very very sorry. No one deserves what you are going through.

    Is it possible, after you take a little time to heal, to ask for tests on you? Maybe there is a piece that the doctor’s have missed thus far? I would hate for you to have to endure this again.

    BTW, I am STILL angry at your doctor for forcing you to wait those extra 5 days before getting an u/s after the bleeding started. I think that was wrong and cruel…..

    Hang in there.

    XOXOXO

  2. Serenity Says:

    *hug* I wish I could make the pain all go away for you, hon. I am just so sorry you have to go through this.

    Much love to you… and peace.

  3. SaraS-P Says:

    Yes, please let you body at least do this right.

  4. Denise Says:

    Not having the answers makes this 100 times harder than it should be. I do think you should have another conversation with the doc about your concerns. If anything, maybe he can explain to you why he thinks this is all just shitty luck.

    I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I’m here if you want to talk, or drink, or whatever.

  5. Lori Says:

    What you’re going through really messes with your identity. It’s so huge.

    I hope the pain eases soon. Both kinds.

  6. Kristen Says:

    I’m so sorry. I do understand the identity crisis and the need for a smoking gun. Unexplained just wasn’t good enough for me and I found it very hard to accept that my losses were just a freak occurence.

    All my love to you. I wish you much peace and healing. XOXO

  7. Ahuva Batya Says:

    Sometimes being someone else is the only way to get through the trauma; disassociating yourself from what’s happening. My heart breaks for you. I wish you strength and healing.

  8. Laura Says:

    I am so sorry you have to go through this shittiness. I wish I could make the pain go away – both emotional and physical. You are in my thoughts.

  9. Heidi Says:

    There is nothing like going through the labor pains with no true reward is there? I am very proud of you for having hope, that is difficult, it took me a long time to find it again, so you are making steps in the right direction.

    I wish I could answer your questions, but I can only let you know that I, and many others, are thinking of you.

    Love you

  10. Road Blocks and Roller Coasters Says:

    Oh Jen, I wish that there was something I could say to renew your faith. Just know that I am thinking of you and praying that, indeed, your body finally gets it right the next time. HUGS.

  11. peesticksandstones Says:

    Thinking of you tonight — and am glad to hear you’re feeling a little better physically.

  12. Michell Says:

    I know so much what you mean right now. I have caught myself wondering if I would be going through this now if I had just went out one night and brought some guy home. I also find myself wishing I had been more young and stupid and gotten pregnant when I was younger. I wish there was something else to say other than I’m sorry.

  13. Jennifer Says:

    ((hugs)) you need’em right now. I’m so sorry you’re in so much pain…I wish there was a way to take that pain away!

  14. millie Says:

    I so wish I had words of wisdom or something I could say that would make you feel better. I think it would help tremendously if we all knew how much it would take, the ending to our story. But we don’t.

    As a piece of assvice, one of the books that helped me a lot, after a particular bad time in my life was a book called When Bad Things Happen to Good People. Not so great title, really good book. You might also find it helpful.

  15. bleu Says:

    I am so very sorry for your pain and anguish. The science teacher in me want to say that is it a numbers game and it comes down to natures best is 25% but that does shit to help your heart right now. I also hope you take something for the pain, the doc should have given an RX.

    I hate this IF world so much, I hate seeing such amazing women and men go through such awful heartache.

    I wish you much love and light and any peace you can find right now.

  16. maria Says:

    You are so incredibly strong. I am sitting here in awe, trying to think of something to write, but all I keep thinking is how amazing you are.

    I kind of know what you mean about feeling like you’ll never be truly happy, be the person you’re supposed to be, until you’re a mom. I hate feeling this way, like I’m living half my life, half my potential.

    Please know that I’m thinking of you and still praying for you.

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