Stuck on guilt and anger

When I last left it with my nurse, I was, am to come in any time this week and get a blood draw for an HCG.

I also was supposed to call them with any questions or if I needed a pain prescription.

I haven’t gone in, I haven’t called.

It’s so final. And I feel foolish for talking just weeks ago with the phlebotomist about pregnancy and happiness and everything else related to glowing, growing baby bumps.

Honestly, I feel stupid for having hope this would work. I know its not right to feel stupid for hoping but I do. I mean, shouldn’t I have seen this coming? What made me think I had successfully made it over the barrenness?

And the anger, yesterday I wanted to bitch slap a friend from Texas.

She was only trying to help, but asking me if we were done trying. Seriously?

It’s my biggest pet peeve with this IVF thing. People think after two times and how many gazillion dollars later, we draw the line at done. Did you stop trying for a baby after two months of sexing? And I continue to hang on to the fact both times we’ve tried, we’ve gotten pregnant. That has to count for something, right? Right?

She also mentioned that I will get pregnant when my body, mind and spirit are ready.

I was livid. Hot tears stinging my cheeks.

I know people have a hard time talking to me right now. I know. I am an utter bitch. And there is really nothing anyone can say that will make my pain go away or me feel better. But I was so offended at the idea that I wasn’t ready and, you know, those 17-year-olds who get knocked up at prom are so ready in mind, body and spirit. 

Here was yet another reason I failed as a woman. I wasn’t ready. I fucked up. Trust me, I already feel like I am the failure and that I killed what was trying to grow inside me, I don’t need another perspective saying that yeah, you did fuck up. 

My hubby tried to talk to me down, saying that she could have meant it in the best of ways and that it got lost in the translation through e-mail.

Maybe. Whatever. And yes, it’s probably true. She isn’t that kind of person to hurt me. But just don’t gleefully tell me it will all work out and I’ll be pregnant when I’m ready, when you got pregnant with your first because you didn’t realize that antibiotics and birth control don’t go together. And you are due in a month with your second.

So, I’ve got the angry bitchy thing down.

I just hope I am well on my way in those other stages of grief thing…

Shock and disbelief? Honey, that is so in the stirrups last Tuesday.

Denial? There was never any denial, just the crushing suckiness of learning there was nothing in that little sac.

Bargaining? I didn’t offer any Gods, Goddesses or devils any deals, I just asked them why I deserved this. And if there is a lesson to be learned, it sure seems like a crappy one (and don’t tell me it’s appreciating my children all the more when I do have them).

Guilt? Oh, I’ve got that coming out my ass. What did I do wrong? It must be my eggs, my uterus, my body.

Anger? That’s obvious. But I really want to not be angry at the world. Although, quoting TuPac seems so much more appropriate and unhealthy. Depression? Yeah, I think that goes with the territory.

Acceptance and hope? I don’t know when I will get there. I’ve accepted this loss, or so I try to tell myself, but the hope? Well, that is a little harder. I obviously wouldn’t be continuing if I didn’t have any hope. But it’s scary. This last time really felt real. And I was excited and then to have it all torn away.

And the next time? Will I worry more? When I do get pregnant, will I be as overjoyed?

I’m trying to hope. And keep faith.

It’s just hard.

No one said it’d be easy, but no one said I’d have to struggle with two losses in six months either.

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19 Responses to “Stuck on guilt and anger”

  1. Lori Says:

    Jen, this is so eloquent. It captures so many of the feelings I had, too.

    The betrayal was so hard. I was angry with god, my body, my spirit, the whole stupid universe, for a very long time.

    And then my husband and I sacrificed a goat under a midnight full moon.

    (Just kidding.)

    I wish I knew what to say. I will simply abide with you as you grieve and heal.

  2. Nancy Says:

    Jen, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry that friends don’t know what to say and when they try to say something, it’s just so wrong. The whole “it will happen in God’s time” really really really bothers me too. I can’t imagine how you felt when your friend told you those words about being ready. She could have helped by adding in the word “again” at the end. One little word to make that all read so much better.

    I have a really good “IRL” friend who had an early m/c (don’t know what the technical term was in her case) and then had an ectopic where she lost her tube. She just now started to try again and it’s scary. I’m scared for her. She tells me how so many ppl tell her “3rd time’s a charm” and she gets very angry at that and I can see why.

    Maybe we should all take a day and go goat sacrificing. ~wink~

    ~hugs~ Jen. I just wish I could say something to make you feel better, but I know those words don’t exist. Do know that we are thinking of you.

  3. meg Says:

    I am so sorry.

  4. JJ Says:

    It still amazes me the feelings that sprung out of me–some of which I never knew I had the capability to feel. The strong anger, being one of them.
    I know I cannot relate exactly to the specific anger you are feeling, and it really doesnt matter that I have felt anger at all. What matters, is that I can tell you how much you deserve to feel the anger and all the comes with it–start by taking it one hour at a time, then a day at a time…we will both get back to the level of hope and acceptance we need to go forward.
    Sending you a big hug.

  5. Amy Says:

    Shout at the world…yell and scream, beat your pillow to a pulp. What’s happened is truly a horrific experience. You deserve to be angry, and anyone who tells you otherwise is lying. The hope will eventually come back, but you can’t force it. I’ll have a drink with you tonight.

  6. Heidi Says:

    I really feel for you. I think I commented before that I went through this two months ago. You are definitely more in touch with your honest, raw feelings than I was/am. I almost wish I could get to where you are and admit to the extent of the gutwrenching pain that is inside. Instead I’m stuck in numbness. If I knew the magic cure I would share it, and if you find it let me know. The goat sacrificing may have potential….but I’m thinking of that scene from The Office where they gather around the broken printer and smash it up….perhaps we could all pile up our sharps containers and left over meds in a big pile and smash away.

  7. mrsyak Says:

    Your “friend” was out of line, bottom line. If you had cancer would she give you some damn line about “your mind, body, spirit”? Hell no. You are suffering because shit just happens for no apparent reason. You are not a failure. There was nothing you or anyone else could have done to prevent this. It just was. I’m so sorry for your loss and know that there isn’t a whole lot that we can do to make it better. I’ve had similar comments from “friends” regarding infertility. It’s easy to think that there’s a grand master plan when you’re getting your innermost desire handed to you on a silver platter. It’s a little harder when you actually have to go after it. I guarantee you she wouldn’t be even remotely implying fault or blame if she was suffering (literally) from a medical issue. I’m really ranting now, but there is just such a pervasive feeling in the world that there always has to be a reason, and more often than not when it comes to miscarriage and infertility the “reason” has something to do with the woman’s readiness for a child. What the hell ever. People don’t get sick because they are bad people, good people die, etc. there are not always reasons, or if there are reasons, only God knows and He would tell us if it were any of our damn business, which clearly it’s not because I don’t think anyone has gotten a telegram from God lately. I’m sorry you stuck in that awful conversation. Also, my apologies for the rant on your blog, which I just started reading a few weeks ago.

  8. maryanne Says:

    Jen – I am so sorry you have been through this and there is nothing I wish more than to be able to say or do something to make it better or to make it never happen again. I have had every emotion, feeling, etc you speek of and you are right – it is the hope of a better future that keeps us moving on each day, month, cycle, etc. I hope the spring brings new life to what has not been in bloom for you thus far.

  9. Erica Says:

    Ugh. I’m so sorry you had to deal with an ignorant friend. Her making a comment like that is akin to saying that YOU weren’t ready, so it’s YOUR fault that this happened. And you must know, underneath all the anger and emotion that you are feeling right now, that that just isn’t true or possible. You can’t WISH yourself pregnant, and you can’t STRESS yourself unpregnant. Its not your fault. You can’t control it. And that’s probably the hardest part of dealing with IF. Just the damn lack of control that we have over what is happening to us. I just wanted to give a hug. I’m sorry that this has happened to you twice in 6 months. You don’t deserve it, and it’s so hard to deal with. Take your time, and just surround yourself with people and things that make you happy.

  10. Denise Says:

    There goes hubby trying to fix things again. Is he related to my DH? Let me just say one thing and validate your feelings (oh yeah, here comes the therapy talk). Your friend may have meant well, but she was being thoughtless and insensitive for saying those things to you. I would totally have been freakin upset if I were you.

    Sometimes people say stupid things to us because they are uncomfortable and really don’t know what to say. My advice to these people would be to keep their mouths shut or just say “sorry” if they don’t know what to say. Other than that, they can listen and just be there without trying to give advice that hurts, even if they didn’t mean it that way.

    As for the stages of grief, it has only been a week. Give yourself time. The stages don’t necessarily go in order and they don’t necessarily stay away when they go away. You can go back and forth between them, from accepting one day to completely not the next. And as you know, you can be in multiple stages at once.

    You don’t deserve any of this and I wish I could turn back time and make it turn out with a different outcome.

  11. daisycake Says:

    I am so sorry. I really am. It just sucks.

  12. She Likes Purple Says:

    INTERNET, LISTEN: Saying, “It’ll happen when it’s meant to” or “Just have faith” OR “It’ll happen when you stop trying” IS NOT HELPFUL. It hurts. It is condescending. It takes away our credibility as women. It slashes through our right to feel whatever it is we’re feeling. It’s telling us, THROUGH RIDICULOUS EUPHEMISMS, that we’re silly for being sad, angry, hopeless, scared out of our minds, because God has a plan and everything happens for a reason and don’t we know worrying won’t get us anywhere? And that’s the meanest way to treat another person, by belittling them through thoughtless cliches.

    Please think before you say something. And if you don’t know what to say, say nothing. Just be there.

    Jen, you have every reason to be angry. Every reason to feel horrible. Every reason to feel hopeless. You have every reason to feel exactly what you’re feeling.

    All that helps me is knowing I’m not alone. And you are not alone either. There are so many women who would never tell you it’ll happen when it’s meant to. There are so many women who BELIEVE you deserved it long ago.

  13. maria Says:

    Ugh, why can’t people just keep their mouths shut. I’m sure she meant well, most people do, but she seriously needed to think before she typed that email.

    You are not a bitch and nor are you difficult to deal with. You are grieving over a hard loss. People should not be judging you but comforting you, and if they can’t do that, then they need to leave you alone and give you time to heal. And if it helps, keep posting. We’re all here for you, no matter what.

    You are still in my thoughts and prayers.

  14. christina(apronstrings) Says:

    ohnonononononononono. i just finally had a chance to catch up with yuoo. are you FVCKIN kidding me. i so expected to see something different. g-d dammit. sorry for the sailor mouth, but good grief what else is there to do but curse the universe.
    how unholy awful. i am so, so sorry and feel awful that i haven;t checked in on you sooner.
    my assivce:
    demand a m/c panel. your insurance should cover it. and if you can, even if it didn’t i’d pay for it. i had to afet four chemicals and i came up with at least something that might have happened.
    my g-d you deserve more than this.
    i am so so sorry. SO FVCKIN UNFAIR.

  15. christina(apronstrings) Says:

    by the way, you aren’t the one in the wrong, your friends are for dropping that crap on you. people say the dumbest things after a m/c. and i really dislike what your friend said about you being in the right place. whatever. are crack addicts in the right place when they get pregnant?

  16. Road Blocks and Roller Coasters Says:

    The thing about hope is that is can be so miserable and so beautiful. I have felt both sides of these numerous times, and I can assure you that you will return to yourself soon. But it may never be the self you were before all of this–and maybe that’s for the best.

    I think the fact that you were able to get pregnant both times is extremely positive. And while it’s so easy to blame your body for what has happened, so many times it is just the chaos of life. It has nothing to do with what you did or didn’t do, what you think, or where your body/mind/spirit are. It’s all random chance. And that sucks because with chance comes the propensity to hope.

    I guess what I’m trying to say is that it will happen. I know in my heart that it will. And while I know it’s hard to do anything right now but feel the emotions that you are feeling, just know that I will continue to carry hope for you in my heart.

    HUGS.

  17. peesticksandstones Says:

    Yikes… I had a really bad “insensitive friend” incident a couple months back with a friend from Texas, too. I’m so sorry about that (and I apologize for the state of Texas, which is where I’m originally from 🙂 )

    The odds are still very, very much on your side. Believe me, I’ve researched my butt off on this! It does not make this time easier, though, I know.

    Take care of yourself.. maybe get a massage or something? That’s really helped me start to heal my mind/body after a loss. I’m thinking of you and wishing you well…

  18. Lianne Says:

    Thanks for your encouragement on my Blog.

    Re your post, i know how all those ‘well meaning’ comments make you just want to kill. Like just think positive and it will all work out. I dont beleive in positivity any more, why set yourself up for another devastation. Rather be negative, and then you will be so pleasantly surprised if and when you get a positive. I think I am going to stop telling anyone where I am or what I am doing re. IVf, then they can all keep their well-meaning fertilie comments to themselves and save their sermons about relaxing, and positivity.
    Thinking of you. Lianne

  19. YoungCrone Says:

    I have just discovered your blog while I was searching through the interweb, trying to understand what’s been happening to me and my husband, and was astonished to read something that so closely mirrored our experiences and feelings. We have just suffered our third miscarriage since August 2007; I finally lost the baby on Wednesday evening at just past 13 weeks of pregnancy, although we had known for weeks that he had died (a missed miscarriage).

    I wanted to give you our profound sympathies, and empathy, and to let you know that you are not alone, whatever consolation there might be in that. I know from our experiences that people can be utterly clueless, simply because they’ve no idea how to respond, and the pain of it can take your breath away.

    As one of the other comments on this post observes, we might never again be the self we were before all this happened – but we will keep going, and we will survive.

    My thoughts are with you – let us hope for better days ahead.

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