I am down to a beta of 52.

Honestly, I was hoping for a bigger drop from whatever level I was at considering all the bleeding and pain I endured.

But I figured I couldn’t drop that fast that quick could I? I mean, really, my luck isn’t what it was when I won a $500 gift certificate to South.west Pla.za mall and the all-expenses-paid trip to Dis.ney Wo.rld. And yes, this was all in a seven-month period in seventh grade when I, apparently, should have gotten pregnant even though my period didn’t start until Christmas of that year, bought a lottery ticket and pursued my dream of marrying Jake Ryan from Six.teen Ca.n.dles.

I was proud though, I didn’t cry at CCRM this morning when the phlebotomist asked, “I hate to ask but why are you here?” I simply responded with the truth, a blighted ovum. She said she was sorry and hoped I was down to zero soon so we could start again.

Me too.

I did schedule my regroup, however. I go in on March 4 for another blood draw and to talk with my doctor about where we go from here. My biggest question is egg quality.

I guess I assumed since my first time resulted in 17 eggs and that I’ve had implantation both times, I figured they were ok. But now I am doubting my eggs.

I don’t know why. Or maybe I do. I want an answer. A concrete something I can put my finger on and something we can fix.

In the meantime, I am going to do everything I can to improve my egg quality and hope that they retrieve ones hidden in my seventh-grade uterus locker.

I just need to remember the combination…



12 Responses to “52”

  1. Melanie Says:

    Let me say that I can’t imagine what you’re going through, I’ve never had a positive turn into a loss. I think though that with every streak of luck and every serendipitous sequence of events, the converse is also true and sometimes several really shitty things happen in a row. There may be a reason for it or it may simply be that life kicked you in the ass…hard. You are doing the right things. You’re going to ask the right questions and seek the right answers and make this happen. And I don’t think you’re going to need your seventh grade locker either. Hugs.

  2. Jennifer Says:

    It just isn’t fair that you should have to go through this. I hope your doctor is at least able to come up with some answers for you.

  3. Road Blocks and Roller Coasters Says:

    Waiting for my beta to drop after my m/c was one of the most difficult parts of the experience because I still felt pregnant and if I POAS it would say I was pregnant, but I wasn’t. I was so glad when it finally dropped like a month later (but it was twins, so it took longer).

    Have you thought about having your AMH tested? The number basically tells you about egg quality and reserve and it is supposed to be more accurate and indepth than an FSH test. I had one done prior to beginning the process with IVF (which we didn’t continue with) because my RE recommended having it done just in case. Some insurance cos won’t pay for it, but it may be worth asking about.

    Thinking of you.

  4. Claire Says:

    52 pickup – Ok, you have a sense of humor through all this ugliness. Laugh, cry, whatever you need to do. And when you’re ready, you’ll pickup all your cards and start again.

  5. Nancy Says:

    I’m so sorry that you (and anyone for that matter) have to go through this. While I’m not comparing at all, my forced waiting with no known end date was always the worst. When I had cysts and had to just wait. When I had surgery and had to wait to see if it was successful and it wasn’t – twice – and I had more surgery. Waiting for a certain date to move forward is one thing, waiting to move forward with no idea is quite another. My heart hurts for you and I hope that March 4th blood draw shows that great drop you are looking for. ~hugs~

  6. Denise Says:

    I hope your weekend was okay. It must be really hard to wait for that number to drop so you can start over again. I would definitely go into your regroup with some very pointed questions. Let me know if you want some email company this week. I’m around.

  7. peesticksandstones Says:

    My heart is with you. The waiting-for-the-beta-to-drop period is so, so hard — and weird, too. I thought I knew so much about the female body, but I had no idea about HCG after miscarriage before going through it — that you can “be” pregnant, but not, etc. Such a unique form of torture.

    Hang in there! I have a really good feeling there are good things in store for you this year.

  8. SaraS-P Says:

    Arg…the dreaded wait for the beta to drop. How can one move on when the body is still hanging on? I hope your numbers get to zero soon so you can move on.

    And, how I would kill to find my seventh grade uterus locker! Why is fertility wasted on the immature and irresponsible???

  9. Amy Says:

    Jen ~ Thinking of you.

  10. maria Says:

    I have nightmares where I’m standing in front of my high school locker trying to desperately open it, but I can’t remember the combination. The bells ringing in the background and I’m late for class but I can’t go without my books. Time keeps passing in my dream, but I just stay there, standing in front of my locker, desperately trying to open it.

    I truly hope you get the answers to all your questions.

  11. Meg Says:

    just thinking about you, how ya feeling this week?

  12. C. Says:

    how are you doing? Take all the time you need, but know that people “out here” are thinking about you and checking in!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: