How Are You?

“How are you?”

I’m convinced it’s the most-asked question in the world. It seems wherever you go, it’s the first question asked.

It’s no different now. It’s just with people who know me, I can see their head tilt to the side and they ask in a softer, more inquisitive tone, “How are you?”

And as of late, those who know me, get the real answer.

“Ok.”

“Fine, considering.”

“I’ve been better.”

I can’t remember the exact combination of answers I came up with on Saturday, when my grandma called to check in.

This grandma has never been the grandma type. Oh yes, she insists on Sunday suppers with the entire family and still gives my 30-year-old sister and I Easter presents. But she’s never seemed grandma-ish. Maybe it’s because we have a special connection, as I was her 40th birthday present, or our love of ballet and theater.

Whatever it is, she amazes me.

We talked about the how development stopped and the drugs I was on prevented me from miscarrying sooner. But, luckily, I had miscarried naturally. She responded with, “Well, you’d rather do that than have to have a D&C.”

I was dumbstruck. Maybe I don’t give my 72-year-old grandma enough credit but she’s tossing out terms like D&C. It brings a smile to my face to think of my grandma talking on the phone with me about D&Cs, while my grandpa is putzing about the house, half listening to the conversation.

I think talking about it though is helping. I mean, it still hurts. I still cry. But it’s good to hear while I may have lost a little hope, others haven’t. She said she will just have to wait a little longer to be a great grandmother.

And I guess I will just have to wait too. I don’t have any choice. I don’t like it. But it is what it is.

Soon, maybe I can answer the question of how I am with a response I want to hear, “Better.”

***
I dug out my steno this weekend to look over all my initial notes on the results of every test we took before we started IVF in August. I don’t know that egg quality is our problem, but I will double check next week with the doc. My FSH and estradiol were fine at 5.1 and 30, respectively. As well, I took the AMH test and my nurse, whom I quoted, said “That’s a great number.” So, right now, it’s looking like crappy luck. Also, each time we have transferred two embies, one has stuck, one hasn’t and the one that stuck was either in the wrong spot or just poopy. I’m thinking of pushing for transferring three. Maybe it will fit with everyone’s “third time’s the charm” crap.

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8 Responses to “How Are You?”

  1. maryanne Says:

    Jen – I hope you get to the point where “fine” a good “fine”. I am so sorry and I hope 3 is your lucky number in more ways than one very soon!

  2. Ahuva Batya Says:

    I have hope for you, for whatever that’s worth. I know it’s hard to keep it for yourself in times like this, so let others protect it and you can take it back when you are ready.

  3. Road Blocks and Roller Coasters Says:

    It will get to a point where you can say that you are “better.” Trust me. It sounds like you are well on your way and you have a great support in your grandmother. I know that it is hard and that hoping is the last thing that you want to do right now. Just know that I’ll be hoping for you in the meantime. HUGS.

  4. Denise Says:

    Your grandma sounds awesome. Sounds like mine-she reads my blog every day and I know she knows what a D&C is b/c she had one years ago.

  5. maria Says:

    I think I would really like your grandma!! I’ll keep praying for the day when you can say “better” in response to “how are you.”

  6. Heidi Says:

    I’d wait to see the embryo quality before deciding on 2 or 3. I don’t know about you, but the whole selective reduction thing would be something I’d do but it would be emotionally crazy making. I put 4 back last time, but only one of those was really good. If all 4 would have been great, I may have done 3 due to my age & past IVF failure, but it would be a difficult decision. I almost wonder if it’s worth spending the $2K to do the genetic testing to know better if the embroys are duds or not, and thus lessen the risk of HOMs. It’s so hard shooting in the dark.

  7. christina(apronstrings) Says:

    i am so sorry that you are going through this. it’s jsut not fair. at all. and you deserve so much more. your FSH rocks the house. when we were looking into a donor cycle we leanred that even 10-20% percent of twenty-somethings eggs aren’t viable. so, it may not be egg quality at all. and your first didn’t have anytinhg to do with egg quality, it just impalnted outside of the ute, right?

    and my FSH has got to be double yours at this point, and some freakin how its worked out (g-d willing) for us.

    1 in 4 people m/c. with great egg quality.
    were i you, i would demand a miscarriage panel. you’ll have to fight for it,. and i doubt you’ll come up with anything, but pray g-d that there is something (That is most likely fixable) and you do another IVF without knowing.

    feel free to email me, i know a ton (because i am OCD!) abuot IF especailly with regards to m/c’s.

    i want you to know or to repeat it to you if you already do…that the vast majority of people who m/c 2X go on to have healthy babies. they do, they do they do. and there is NOTHING to suggest that you won’t be one of them.

    i can’t imagine how you must feel. but i want you to know, that little ole’ me is thinking about you and wishing you a sense of peace and the knowledge that you WILL SURVIVE THIS.

    thinking of you.
    xoxoxoxo

  8. Jennifer Says:

    I got the “third time’s a charm” line from my MIL after our 2nd loss…I wanted to strangle her thru the phone!!!

    I’m so sorry about your loss! You deserve better.

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