Defining and redefining

As my first anniversary of this blog approaches, I can’t help to think about how I am still waiting for parenthood. Yet it is such a different wait.

Last year, I was frustrated with my first-ever abnormal pap. It pushed back by months the start of our first cycle, our first time ever trying to conceive. But I was still hopeful. I thought the pain of seeing my friends easily get pregnant while I had to wait would be the worst of it.

I thought that was what pain was.

My experiences with losing pregnancies though have redefined what pain is, was and will be measured by.

I don’t know how to describe or quantify the pain, even to myself at times. It seems to swallow me up and leave me looking at myself as an outsider. I have pity for that girl and also admiration for her perseverance in going on.

But I know, deep down, it’s not if but when.

And it’s waiting for that when that trips me up, consumes me and leaves me living for the future and forgetting about my present.

I try to enjoy what I do have – love, friends and family. But it’s hard when it seems that who you define yourself as is so tied in to who and what you want to be.

How do you redefine yourself? How do you say I am Jen – not the journalist, not the mama wannabe, not the girl who’s lost two pregnancies?

Maybe it comes from moving forward, looking to the future, be it when my period arrives, when we can cycle again or even tomorrow.

I am trying to live each day and to not measure myself by what I don’t have but what I do.

***

And I’m sorry for the giant serving of poopy sandwich.

I’m really not that depressingly sad right now. I’m anxious. I have my next pap at the end of the month and am hoping for a green light. I don’t want a repeat of last year. Or the beginning of this year. 

Once I get my period (this week, maybe?), I go in for the hysteroscopy and then the following cycle we will start again. I do have hope. Maybe it’s all that “third time’s a charm” crap sinking in.

And I do promise to be a better blogger. Making comments. Trying (badly) to be funny in my writing because in person, I think I’m a hoot!

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13 Responses to “Defining and redefining”

  1. christina(apronstrings) Says:

    for pete’s sake, the 3rd time better be the one. yeah, the joy of IF (though, you’re not IF, fertility fvcked twice over? FFTO) …you get feel more and more pain. blech.

    of course i am rooting for you two. and threatening the universe in my off time.

  2. Becks Says:

    Keep believing it is when not if, your time will come Jen. Hope you can get going again soon.

  3. bestlight Says:

    IF does require you to re-figure out who you are and what you are made of.

    And still, so much of you remains the same as before.

    I am eager to get the chance to know you better, Jen.

  4. Road Blocks and Roller Coasters Says:

    I think the one thing I’ve learned in this journey is that the person I was when I started and the person I am now are two completely different people–and that is ok. I needed to become who I am and if it took this journey to bring me to this point, then so be it. I think you are on the right track and I’m hoping and praying that indeed a 3rd time will be a charm. HUGS! 🙂

  5. Ahuva Batya Says:

    My dear, you do not sound sad at all. I read hope in your words, and I admire it so much, after all you’ve been through in the past year. I do also hope for you, that this is your year. I know the waiting is hard.

  6. Claire Says:

    I found the book “Nurturning Yourself Through IVF” to be helpful and inspirational. The woman who wrote it had two failed IVFs before she was successful on her third. One thing that struck me about the book is that she never lost faith. With all the myraid of DNA combinations possible between you and your DH, I’m sure there is one gem in there for you! Here’s to “third time’s a charm!”. And I did think the poopy sandwich comment was funny : )

  7. Meg Says:

    I was thinking about getting my fur baby when it was still tiny so I could swaddle it, feed it bottles and rock it to sleep. As soon as it needed some bloody animal carcass to eat or scratched me for the first time…I would bring it over to your place. How’s that sound?

  8. singletracey Says:

    I tasted HOPE and FAITH in that poopie sandwich! I understand your frustration and being sad but not being in the dumps sad. ahhhhh I wanna be uncomfortable and pregnant with ya girlfriend. We just have to keep trying .. and one day our number is going to be called. I just know it!

  9. peesticksandstones Says:

    You are always welcome to bring all the poop sandwiches you want to MY picnic!

    Best of luck with the pap — I’ve had a few abnormal ones over the years (before entering the TTC era), and it’s nerve-wracking. Can’t imagine the frustration of having that delay a cycle.

    Sending healthy, healing positive thoughts your way!

  10. maryanne Says:

    It seems that “hope” for a better future is what gets us through the crud we go through with IF. Without it, there is no way we could move forward. I read you words and thought I was saying them exactly at that time in my head. I understand exactly what your feeling and I hope one day, that we look back saying that our beautiful baby (babies) were sooooo worth the struggle. Sometimes life’s sweetest things are those you struggle the most to overcome.

  11. nancy Says:

    You are an awesome blogger – You’ve always taken a moment to comment to me when I need it.

    No need to apologize, except maybe for the aspect of the phrase “poopy sandwich”. You’ve given me two things that will be forever stuck in my head. The bob barker post and now a poopy sandwich. I’m a visualizer so I actually can see that poop sandwich.

    Anywho, I think you are Jen which isn’t any one of those things, but all of those things. It’s the experiences that define us. What we have to be careful of is to not let any one experience define us. It’s all the pieces that make up the hole. No regrets, no whatifs. Sure, we can definitely say that there are aspects of the past that totally sucked assholes. But let it be a part of you.

    I’m hoping you get nothing but green lights.

  12. Jennifer Says:

    Best of luck with the upcoming hysteroscopy…I hope it goes well so you can cycle soon. You are in my thoughts and prayers!

  13. Kel Says:

    Best wishes for a good test result for you at the end of the month, and a green light to continue on with your plans. I’ll be checking back often hoping for good news!

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