Sorry for my delay in updating.
To say my weekend has been crazy family drama would be an understatement. I won’t even go into details. But it’s on both sides. My oldest youngest sister and I wonder how our parents can be so fucked up and us relatively normal. It’s just uggh.
As for me, on the pregnancy side of things, I waiver between very excited and terrified.
I’m still not puking or anything and don’t really “feel” pregnant but my two previous pregnancies have been the same way. I’ve got a lovely stuffy nose, sore ta-tas, elevated temp in the morning, veins everywhere, I never want to wake up and I pooped this morning for the first time in three days…
Yet I know the real test is the ultrasound and it’s scares me.
If I hadn’t had my previous two miscarriages, I know I’d be a lot more positive. But it’s not just me – it’s my family too holding their collective breath. I have no reason to think it didn’t work but I’ve gone through two empty ultrasounds. And that pain and devestation is something I would never wish upon anyone. And it haunts me still. I worry about being broken and defective.
But I’m trying to think only positive. Only happy thoughts. It’s hard. And it’s hard to explain it and define it to anyone who hasn’t gone into an ultrasound full of hope only to see nothing but an empty sac in your ute or that little donut shape in your tube. Or both.
Every night I go to bed crossing my fingers and visualizing a crib or two in the spare bedroom. Then I dream of ordering pizza in a shower with Heather Lock.lear and Patr.ick Duff.y as our waiter. WTF?!
So I’m trying to be happy. And look to all the good signs my body is showing me.
And I am trying to be excited and celebrate our wedding anniversary today – three years of marriage, nine of togetherness. And all I want is the belated present of a heartbeat.
I really sound awful don’t I? I’m not as bad as I sound. I just am anxious. And I do get excited when I see my gut. I just really REALLY want this.