Archive for June, 2008

Update. Friday.

June 27, 2008

So there has been no spotting today. And the amount yesterday was really small. It’s just, dammit. I want this SOOOO badly. I know you all know this. It’s just so hard.

And I don’t mean to be that kind of pregnant lady who freaks out over everything. It’s just I don’t have all the pukey symptoms, so when something like this happens it makes my world stand still.

Thanks for your continued love and support.

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Spotting. Cue freak out 5,642

June 26, 2008

When do I get the totally uneventful, normal pregnancy?

I had a little spotting this morning. Just brown. Nothing heavy. But any sort of spotting puts me over the edge. I know this. And I know the reasons why.

The nurse thankfully helped ease my fears and told me its normal. It could be a subchrionic bleed that’s developed since last week or my cervix being irritated from my suppositories.

Of course, there are no appointments available for the nurse to see me next week. She only is in on Thursdays and Fridays, and Thursday of next week is booked and Friday is the 4th… So I have an appointment on the 10th. My OBGYN visit is the 15th.

Waiting until then… Uggh. What hell. I’m just trying to remain calm, cool and horizontal.

Please continue to think good thoughts for us and the little bean.

Seven

June 24, 2008

Today marks seven weeks… Only 33 more to go, right?

Uggh. I just wish I had more puketastic symptoms so I could be assured that everything was going ok. I guess I will just have to trust that everything is going to plan. Or insist on daily ultrasounds.

It still really hasn’t sunk in yet. I think I was in such shock on Thursday that I didn’t stare long enough at that beating, flickering heartbeat.

But on Friday I was surprised by a call from my RE. He just wanted to say congrats and that everything is looking great and he hopes that we come visit them. He is sooo sweet. But I did mention I was disappointed that I’d have to do the whole seaweed stick again…

Oh the sacrifices a hoo-hah makes.

Otherwise I am here. I have some worries, naturally I think, but I’m trying to be positive. And I’m happy. Although, really I still don’t quite believe this is happening.

Best. Ultrasound. Ever.

June 19, 2008

Well, that is, best so far.

I was shaking when I was waiting for the tech. I was shutting my eyes too when she put the wand in. And then she said the magic words…

“There’s your baby.”

I was in shock. I couldn’t believe it.

There was a perfect little blob with a perfect flickering heartbeat.

I’m still in shock.

Our little bub is measuring a day ahead at 6w3d and has a healthy heartbeat of 125.

I didn’t start crying until I hugged my husband. I am so happy. And still in shock. I feel really good. Just veiny, sore boobies, stuffy nose and the fatigue that hits me at noon. This of course had me worried. But too, I couldn’t help but think back to our previous losses.

But I am so very thankful. I’m still crossing my fingers and hoping the second trimester hurries up.

Ebb and flow…

June 17, 2008

Sorry for my delay in updating.

To say my weekend has been crazy family drama would be an understatement. I won’t even go into details. But it’s on both sides. My oldest youngest sister and I wonder how our parents can be so fucked up and us relatively normal. It’s just uggh.

As for me, on the pregnancy side of things, I waiver between very excited and terrified.

I’m still not puking or anything and don’t really “feel” pregnant but my two previous pregnancies have been the same way. I’ve got a lovely stuffy nose, sore ta-tas, elevated temp in the morning, veins everywhere, I never want to wake up and I pooped this morning for the first time in three days…

Yet I know the real test is the ultrasound and it’s scares me.

If I hadn’t had my previous two miscarriages, I know I’d be a lot more positive. But it’s not just me – it’s my family too holding their collective breath. I have no reason to think it didn’t work but I’ve gone through two empty ultrasounds. And that pain and devestation is something I would never wish upon anyone. And it haunts me still. I worry about being broken and defective.

But I’m trying to think only positive. Only happy thoughts. It’s hard. And it’s hard to explain it and define it to anyone who hasn’t gone into an ultrasound full of hope only to see nothing but an empty sac in your ute or that little donut shape in your tube. Or both.

Every night I go to bed crossing my fingers and visualizing a crib or two in the spare bedroom. Then I dream of ordering pizza in a shower with Heather Lock.lear and Patr.ick Duff.y as our waiter. WTF?!

So I’m trying to be happy. And look to all the good signs my body is showing me.

And I am trying to be excited and celebrate our wedding anniversary today – three years of marriage, nine of togetherness. And all I want is the belated present of a heartbeat.

I really sound awful don’t I? I’m not as bad as I sound. I just am anxious. And I do get excited when I see my gut. I just really REALLY want this.

REALLY.