Ebb and flow…

Sorry for my delay in updating.

To say my weekend has been crazy family drama would be an understatement. I won’t even go into details. But it’s on both sides. My oldest youngest sister and I wonder how our parents can be so fucked up and us relatively normal. It’s just uggh.

As for me, on the pregnancy side of things, I waiver between very excited and terrified.

I’m still not puking or anything and don’t really “feel” pregnant but my two previous pregnancies have been the same way. I’ve got a lovely stuffy nose, sore ta-tas, elevated temp in the morning, veins everywhere, I never want to wake up and I pooped this morning for the first time in three days…

Yet I know the real test is the ultrasound and it’s scares me.

If I hadn’t had my previous two miscarriages, I know I’d be a lot more positive. But it’s not just me – it’s my family too holding their collective breath. I have no reason to think it didn’t work but I’ve gone through two empty ultrasounds. And that pain and devestation is something I would never wish upon anyone. And it haunts me still. I worry about being broken and defective.

But I’m trying to think only positive. Only happy thoughts. It’s hard. And it’s hard to explain it and define it to anyone who hasn’t gone into an ultrasound full of hope only to see nothing but an empty sac in your ute or that little donut shape in your tube. Or both.

Every night I go to bed crossing my fingers and visualizing a crib or two in the spare bedroom. Then I dream of ordering pizza in a shower with Heather Lock.lear and Patr.ick Duff.y as our waiter. WTF?!

So I’m trying to be happy. And look to all the good signs my body is showing me.

And I am trying to be excited and celebrate our wedding anniversary today – three years of marriage, nine of togetherness. And all I want is the belated present of a heartbeat.

I really sound awful don’t I? I’m not as bad as I sound. I just am anxious. And I do get excited when I see my gut. I just really REALLY want this.



12 Responses to “Ebb and flow…”

  1. pj Says:

    Yep. Crazy family. I totally get that.

    Who would blame you for being anxious, after all you’ve been through? If I ever get there, I’ll be nervous just because I’ve been through all of the treatments and want it so badly.

    So when is your ultrasound? It’s coming up soon, isn’t it?

    I so hope that everything is ok. You’ll be in my thuoghts.

  2. Michell Says:

    I so get that whole feeling of how can I be pretty normal (relatively anyways) when my mom is such a freak. I hope the drama isn’t too stressful.
    Happy anniversary to you! I hope you have some calm this week while you wait for the U/S and that the news is all great.

  3. Phoebe Says:

    Happy Anniversary! That’s gotta be hard having two bad experiences with the u/s, so I understand your trepidation. I didn’t start with the pg symptoms until just before the u/s. Hang in there!

  4. Jennifer Says:

    Happy anniversary. A beautiful heartbeat would be a wonderful present, and I’m sure it would help ease some of the nervousness. You’re definitely in my thoughts right now.

  5. Kymberli Says:

    You sound perfectly normal, in that crazy IF kind-of way that we all know and understand. Happy anniversary to you! I’m sending lots of good thoughts for the u/s revealing something more to celebrate.

  6. docgrumbles Says:

    You are so right – it is darn near impossible to enjoy the process when twice you’ve been shown what can go wrong!

    Hoping for a great u/s!

  7. Road Blocks and Roller Coasters Says:

    First, Happy Anniversary! I hope you got to enjoy your day! 🙂

    Second, hang in there. Trust me when I say that I know how you feel…I dreaded every u/s I’ve had with this pregnancy all because of the effects of the last one. I’m keeping everything crossed and praying that your u/s will indeed give you that long awaited heartbeat and much deserved baby.


  8. Beth Says:

    I am so hoping for a great u/s for you!!! I have my fingers crossed & you are in my thoughts!!!

  9. Jennifer Says:

    Happy Anniversary to you both! This year my DH and I are married 4 years – together 10 – similar to you two. I’m praying for an awesome u/s…I’ve got everything crossed for you!!!

  10. Spicy Sister Says:

    Happy Anniversary!

    I think everything you are feeling sounds perfectly normal. This is a scary time. Your heart is just trying to guard itself. I am hoping and praying for a beautiful flickering heartbeat.


  11. Bee Cee Says:

    Happy Anniversaty, hope you get the present you deserve.

  12. christina(apronstrings) Says:

    i still get freaked out before all u/s. though at first, it was the worst. i am hoping, hoping, hoping. actaully, i am assuming, assuming, assuming that everything is just fine. : )

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