Out of nowhere…

I thought I would post a quick note to anyone who still had me in their reader and wanted to hear the latest.

I’m back in beta hell.

We just transferred our last two frozen embryos at the end of November. One perfect, one 50 percent reexpanded.

And today I got the beta.

A fucking 5.7.

Instead of my usual 11dpo spotting, I had 12dpo spotting, which started at 9 p.m. And had it off and on since. So while it could be the ever-so-remote-possibility of late implantation… my nurse wasn’t so positive.

And Dr. G called. Said it’s likely a chemical pregnancy.

So I think now I’ve had every kind of horrible pregnant but not pregnant thing happen to me. Ectopic. Blighted Ovum and this.

And it’s not that I can’t get over this, I know I can. I have before. I will. It will take time. Mind you, I’ve spent the day crying on the couch in pjs…

It’s just the thought that this is it. We don’t have the money to do another cycle. And not giving O a sibling. That is what kills me. I’m the oldest of four. Siblings to commiserate with at family gatherings or family vacations. How can I not give him that? It makes me feel so guilty. And yes, we could try naturally but the 50-50 odds of passing on his disease, we just don’t want to do that knowing we could prevent it.

I just hate this. And Saturday I get to go back for another blood draw to see what’s happening. I hate this trying to have hope but knowing likely its for naught.

Mind fuck. My new favorite words.

What a triumphant return to blogging.


Uggh. It just doesn’t get easier.


2 Responses to “Out of nowhere…”

  1. Amy Says:

    Hey Jen! It’s nice to hear from you…but I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. It royally blows. And I hear you on the “not giving a sibling” thing. We just did our last cycle at the end of September…got a positive beta, and miscarried at 8w2d (4 weeks ago today). Sending you love and hugs…

  2. Meg Says:

    Oh Jen, I am so sorry. It would be so nice to just go into this process with the guarantee of expanding your family and it hurts to know how much you must be unraveled right now. I am thinking of you…

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