Archive for the ‘IVF #1’ Category

It’s a little thing fertiles call hope

October 30, 2007

Without fail, I manage to cry at nearly every meeting with my doctor. He has come to expect this from me, sadly.

And I didn’t disappoint. Especially, when I am asked about how I am doing emotionally. Silly doctor man. My heart and my head ache, otherwise I am ok.

But my appointment wasn’t all tears. I came out feeling better and crazily enough, filled with a little thing called hope.

As I expected, there were no physical, identifiable reasons for my ectopic. My uterus is normally shaped, there was no excess fluid, no signs of anything wonky.

The only issue was that during transfer, it was a little harder to get the catheter through my cervix. So, I am getting a laminaria, or as I like to call it, a seaweed stick up my coochie to help dilate me for ease of transfer and prevention of any cervical cramping/contractions, etc., that could have moved the embies around. 

As my doctor pointed out, there was no way for us to know this would happen and no way we could have prevented it. He mentioned that ectopic pregnancies have a higher occurrence with IVF patients (10 times more frequent than those DIY couples) and also with the transfer of more than one embryo.

He thinks it is highly unlikely it will happen again, although later my Negative Nurse said that once you have an ectopic you are more prone to one. So I’ll lean more toward the positive doctor side of things. For now at least.

As well, he assured me that I don’t need to look to a surrogate and embryo quality wasn’t an issue and wasn’t a factor in it being ectopic. It just, unfortunately, happened to me.

As for going forward, I already have a tentative protocol and calendar in place. Crazy huh?

Regular me already is on day 4 of her first post-ectopic period, which means in a little less than 28 days, when I start again, I get to start birth control pills for a FET.

Luckily, we have three frozen blasts, which already were hatching, waiting for us to wake them from their slumber.

Also during my next period, I get my lovely seaweed stick, which is supposed to actually cause an infection to help dilation for the transfer the following month.

My drugs will be limited to lu.pron, patches, progesterone and such, half of which I have left over from our fresh cycle. And I am debating as to if I will do acupuncture. I don’t know anyone who has done it in real life but I figure I might give it a shot.

And, which means if you were counting, we actually are looking for a transfer in early January.

I know, I know. Crazy.

But I am thrilled to be looking forward once more, rather than focusing on the past pain and sadness I’ve been dwelling in. I am still likely going to be bitter and barren for Halloween, but maybe without quite as much bitterness as before.

It’s nice to have a little hope now and again.

The “regroup” appointment

October 24, 2007

So next Tuesday I have my appointment with my doctor. Deep breaths. I am just hoping to have positive information on where we go from here.

Now, I am turning to you. Are there questions I should ask of him that I am not thinking of regarding this assumed ectopic pregnancy?

Here is my current list of questions, or at least what I can think of right now:

  • Why did this happen?
  • How can this happen?
  • Are there any ways we can prevent it?
  • Were there any indications that this would happen?
  • What are our options going forward?
  • Do we have any options?
  • How soon can we start again?
  • What is your recommendation for us?
  • How frequently does this happen with IVF?
  • What is the likelihood of recurrance?
  • Do we need to look into having a surrogate?
  • Did egg quality/embryo quality play a role in this happening?
  • Is there an issue with my uterus that could cause this?

I just feel so lost with the whole situation and that I did something wrong in my past to make this my current reality. I hope I get some answers and some closure. A simple no would have been SO MUCH easier than this.

Down, down, down…

October 22, 2007

After a blissful week away from work, I am back to the reality that I did, in fact, not marry a millionaire and, therefore, I have to return to the 9-to-5 world.

Insert many boos and hisses…

But I am doing better. At least physically. My beta has plummeted to 55. I am hopeful that by this Friday’s check I will have dropped to below 5 so I can be done with the blood draws. It’s really bad when the gal in our lab doesn’t need paperwork on me to know who I am or what I am there for. I did bring in a picture of our puppy, however. She has a board of all the fur babies, which, apparently, leads to real babies. Or so she says. So my fingers are crossed.

Otherwise, nothing new here. Except our fence fell down. Lovely wind and snow. So that’s a fun unexpected expense. and go Rockies. We all are now bandwagon baseball fans here.

$13.50 *Updated*

October 8, 2007

It’s *amazing* what $13.50 can get you.

While thousands upon thousands of dollars were spent to extract, test, fertilize and transfer two healthy embryos, it only took a $13.50 prescription to end it. It is stunning to believe that what took so long to create, took so much effort to occur, could be ended so easily, so quickly.

It has left me numb. I don’t know what to think, how to feel, what to say.

There never was a heartbeat. Only just a little circle, a dark spot that seemed to be in my left tube. But when my friend stated it wasn’t like a real miscarriage, I was shocked. It was a pregnancy. Abnormal. Nonviable. Ectopic. But a pregnancy nonetheless. Or maybe it was a pregnancy just to me.

Either way, it’s a miscarriage of hope.

In all the waiting, there was hope. Hope we could get pregnant the first time. Hope that we’d have the beginnings of a happy family. Hope everything was okay.

Now I am left with an overwhelming sense of doubt and fear. The “what ifs” have become a constant running through my mind. What if I always have ectopics? What if I can never get pregnant? What if I have to find a surrogate?

The doctor who gave me the once over before the injection Friday (mine, of course, is on vacation) said in all his 19 years of REing, he’s only had one patient ever had an ectopic twice. It made me feel a little better but the ever-present doubt and fear remains.

I feel like such a failure. I’m barren and broken.

How do I get over that?

I have a friend, who believes greatly in The Secret, the universe and fate. She is trying to get me to believe all things happen for a reason, that my body is just where my spirit resides and I can’t control all aspects to it. I know she wants me to let go of the guilt and pain I feel for having this happen. But I can’t. I feel responsible.

It is my body. Whether just a temporary vessel housing my spirit or not, it is my body. How can I separate the two? When I look in the mirror, the face I see is mine. I see Jen. Jen with the red hair, the freckles, the nose with the bump. I see my body. I don’t necessarily see the spirit within. And I don’t know that I’d want to see the conflicted soul right now either even if it’s apparent on my visage whether or not I like it.

I know there likely isn’t an answer to why this happened. I just wish there was. It maybe could give me back a little of the hope I’ve lost, the hope that is seeping out of me.

** Despite the bleeding that started Saturday morning, my HCG rose slightly today. This is not unexpected, or so the nurse says. I get to go in on Thursday and depending on numbers, we go from there. I just can’t do it the easy way can I? **

Today

October 5, 2007

This morning I go in for the shot. They are pretty sure it’s ectopic. And I am so scared that this will forever be my future. Never a normal pregnancy. Thank you all for hanging in there with me. I know I haven’t been the most pleasant person. And I know I won’t be for the next three months, waiting once more before we can try again.