Out of nowhere…

December 9, 2010

I thought I would post a quick note to anyone who still had me in their reader and wanted to hear the latest.

I’m back in beta hell.

We just transferred our last two frozen embryos at the end of November. One perfect, one 50 percent reexpanded.

And today I got the beta.

A fucking 5.7.

Instead of my usual 11dpo spotting, I had 12dpo spotting, which started at 9 p.m. And had it off and on since. So while it could be the ever-so-remote-possibility of late implantation… my nurse wasn’t so positive.

And Dr. G called. Said it’s likely a chemical pregnancy.

So I think now I’ve had every kind of horrible pregnant but not pregnant thing happen to me. Ectopic. Blighted Ovum and this.

And it’s not that I can’t get over this, I know I can. I have before. I will. It will take time. Mind you, I’ve spent the day crying on the couch in pjs…

It’s just the thought that this is it. We don’t have the money to do another cycle. And not giving O a sibling. That is what kills me. I’m the oldest of four. Siblings to commiserate with at family gatherings or family vacations. How can I not give him that? It makes me feel so guilty. And yes, we could try naturally but the 50-50 odds of passing on his disease, we just don’t want to do that knowing we could prevent it.

I just hate this. And Saturday I get to go back for another blood draw to see what’s happening. I hate this trying to have hope but knowing likely its for naught.

Mind fuck. My new favorite words.

What a triumphant return to blogging.


Uggh. It just doesn’t get easier.


Arrested thought…

March 5, 2010

I had been planning on writing about the craziness of me, how I’m seemingly more excited for my coworker’s first egg retrieval tomorrow than my best friend’s second pregnancy but then my 18-year-old sister got arrested.


For driving with a revoked license because twice she’s been a minor in possession of alcohol. I started crying thinking of the image my other sister described (and who’s car she was driving) of her sitting in the backseat of a patrol car. I was so mad, so sad at and for my baby sister. And the situation was only compounded by the ridiculousness of the cop who called in four other squad cars to the scene of the accident (she rear ended a car at the college she’s going to), his insistence my sister was drunk and high (she had just come from my house and watching  O all afternoon. Because that’s what my sisters do when watching O, drink and smoke pot. Right…) and then yelling at my mom and other sister if they didn’t stop asking him questions of why he was searching her car, he’d arrest them too.

Oh. My. God.


What an afternoon and evening of drama I’ve condensed into a couple of sentences…

But she is home now. Without a license or car, for presumably a long long time. And, hopefully, a lesson learned the very hard way.

And remind me to never let O drive. 🙂

A big ole poophead

February 9, 2010

Just a quick note to say I’m sorry if my first two posts in my return to blogging were repetitive, bitchy and woe is me.

I am happy. And, I’d like to think, a nice person. And ever so grateful for what I do have, which is A LOT.

Sorry for the poopheadedness.


February 9, 2010

It’s amazing to think how long it took for us to reach parenthood and how quickly our first year as mommy and daddy went…

I still have a hard time believing O turned one on Friday. I wish time would slow down just a little, I want a little more time to drink him in. From crawling to babbling to walking every stage has been my favorite. I am sure that will continue to hold true. Or, at least, until he becomes a rotten teenager. Hee.

Everyone asked what to get him for his birthday. I wanted to say a sibling. O loves other kids. Especially kids that are his sized or bigger. It is sooo sweet but it makes me get that sinking sadness about trying to get pregnant.

And we could just go the DIY route. We could. But that’s not why we decided to go the IVF route in the first place. When we started thinking years ago, it was first a matter of seeing if we could even identify my hubby’s mutation within his DNA that causes OI. If we weren’t able to, we would have then taken the 50-50 odds and tried for a homemade baby. But they found the mutation. And we could move on to IVF with PGD and prevent our child from having the disease. And it was a success. O is healthy. He doesn’t have OI. He won’t break 18 bones like daddy.

I try to remember that. I look at the pictures of my husband in a full body cast at 18 months. I can’t imagine going through that or the pain O would endure.

I know we did the right thing. I know we are doing the right thing. But it still sucks when I think about saving up the money to do a FET with our two (only 2!) healthy embryos when other couples just hop into bed and, voila, a healthy baby. No injections, no thousands of dollars…

I shouldn’t complain. I’m blessed to have my husband and my son. But it’s human nature. Or at least my bitchy nature to covet what I don’t have. I just wish they’d come up with a way to test his sperm and we could do an IUI.  

Baby on the brain.

Is it because O is no longer that little baby? My best friend and neighbor are due in June? My co-worker starting her first shot of Lupron last night? (Yeah, my office of 7 has two of us at CCRM…) I don’t know. I’m excited and happy for them all in these various stages but I wish I could be a little closer to knowing when we can start working toward baby number two, when I could be in an actual stage.

Oh, enough bitching. I didn’t start blogging again to just be a big snatch and complain about being lucky to have the husband and baby I do. But this online world is so good at being so supportive of me, bitching or not. Thanks.

Gasp! She blogs!

January 31, 2010

I figured after yesterday’s meeting of the Colorado Bloggers, I should actually blog.

It’s hard to believe that Friday, Mr. O will be a year old. I don’t know where the time has gone. My little baby has gone from just a squish to a walking babbling little boy with a headful of shockingly orange hair. I wish I could have slowed down time to enjoy each moment, to remember every day and every detail with him. It also makes me want to have another one sooner than later…

As for when that try at a sibling will come? Maybe when we win the lottery? I just hate the fact that expanding our family comes down to a matter of dollars and cents. I also am a little scared. Our last time with a FET ended with a blighted ovum. And I don’t EVER want to repeat that experience from going in excited about an ultrasound to leaving in tears knowing there only is an empty sac. Plus, we only have two frozen healthy non-OI embies. I don’t want to think about having to do the fresh thing again and doing the genetic testing all over again. Uggh.

Did I mention that in October I hit the magic advanced maternal age benchmark too? Or my best friend and neighbor are both due in June with their second babies?

Damn that clock’s ticking.

Most of all though, it is when I see O sitting on the floor reading a book upside down, hearing him laugh at the dog running around, getting his sweet hugs and slobbery kisses, how he loves to play with other kids, hearing my hubby and him talk and play that makes me want to have another one.

But I can’t complain if O is our only. I’ve never been happier.